[and he seems to realize it - but since takeru's snapped at him, mineo sure as fuck is just snapping back. well, so much for his calm.]
I know it's fucking crazy after knowing you left me behind! But I already hit you for it, so until you feel better, that much is gonna have to tide me over!
And I also know that no matter what happened today, I still fucking panicked at the idea of losing you!!
he both regrets it and he doesn't. he doesn't, because it was for something that he wants so desperately, and he doesn't think he'll ever actually regret going for revenge.
but he does, because there are people here he cares about, even if he's bad at showing it. having to see them all after? how they showed concern? it was heartbreaking. ]
he pulls him closer then, if only to see if he'll move with the gesture]
... we really have had this conversation a hundred times - but okay. We'll have it again. First time of a thousand more.
I can't be happy without you. Even if I'm mad at you, even if I don't forgive you right now - the idea of you pulling away from me right at the end, right before we go home...
if takeru's struggling, then mineo doesn't mind being stubborn. he'll hold onto him once he's closer then, letting his arms circle around him in a hold that's loose enough that he can still pull away if he wants to.]
... I don't know that I do. [he frowns] Or - I don't know if I want more than this. Does wanting more mean that you'll slip away the second I get distracted again?
Or do you mean that you want to try harder? To make up for what happened?
[ he hasn't really sat back to analyze his actions. sometimes, you make a terrible decision, and then immediately get triggered repeatedly after and have to do work??
[ it would be a lot easier if he didn't, because then maybe this sinking feeling in his chest would disappear. but here he is instead, leaning in just slightly at mineo's touch. ]
... we're all getting our wishes tomorrow. Or - if we aren't, then we'll have the chance to stay until we do. I'll be with you, until both of our wishes are granted.
[he'll let his touch remain then, if takeru's leaning into it. his hand shifts just so that it rests at takeru's jaw, cradling his face]
What's left?
That you'd choose over me?
What could get me to hate you, when even now I only want you with me?
he doesn't reply right away, instead just leaning into mineo's touch.
what's left? if he gets his wish, then... well. nothing, really? from there it would just be solving x-day, reinstating the gun law, and then what else? what's after that?
he reaches out to mirror mineo's hold, placing a hand against mineo's cheek. ]
[sometimes you choose your partner and you literally cannot choose anything or anyone else, because you can only focus on one concept at a time and today's concept is -
. . . it's exasperation. it's fondness. it's bitterness. it's brewing forgiveness. it's, more than any of that, an overwhelming loyalty and the realization that someone means more to you than you even have words for.]
.... there won't be.
[and he'll lean into takeru's touch too.]
I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that there's nothing and no one that you'll choose before me anymore.
We can talk about... everything else. How you're feeling, what we're gonna do from here but... understand this much first.
You know what it's like to not choose me - and I know that's complicated.... but if there's really nothing left, now that you're getting what you want....
but he already knew that mineo is a much kinder person than he is, even with all of his own baggage. and it shows again and again, and sometimes it's more startling than others.
there's a moment of hesitation, and he very slowly leans forward to kiss him.
it's gentle, and short-- takeru pulls away very soon after. ]
After we figure out X-Day... I think I really might go to America for a little bit.
he accepts the kiss - and even with the anger that still sits in his chest, it's rather unreasonably simple to kiss back. it's complicated. they still have so much to resolve. this isn't about indulgence anymore.
but he still likes him.
even with everything that happened today - he still... likes him.]
because that's - true? he supposes. he does have a life. but in front of him, there's mostly x-day. even now, he hasn't thought about what he's doing after. if he's going back to field ops. america feels very far, and there are a lot of challenges in that direction too.
[ it's just pure honesty, because takeru has gotten far too used to holding his hand out, and mineo always being there to take it. ]
But more than that, I don't want you to chase after someone who has so much fucking bullshit to figure out. And I don't want you to wait for me. I know you said that you can't be happy, but if there's ever even a glimmer of it, I want you to take it.
[ ... ]
But I'll find you eventually. No matter what we are to each other... I'd come back to you.
[the words make mineo pause for a long few moments, silent - and it's the same as it always is.
in response to takeru's earlier kiss, short and gentle, mineo can only respond with something angrier. he presses their lips together again, something more certain, even if it feels tinged with bitterness. there is still an insistent, stubborn quality too it before he pulls back.]
... I can't trust you with that. Not after today.
[he can't trust that takeru will come back. he doesn't know if he believe that takeru, who'd wander off to an entirely different content, wouldn't manage to decide mineo's not worth an airplane ride back. it's scary to be left behind - it'll probably take longer than just a few hours for these nerves to die.]
We still have to solve X-Day. I have a lot to figure out too. We... both have graves to visit, once we resolve what we need to do.
Maybe in a few weeks, it'll be easier for me to believe in you, and let you go if that's what you really need. Even if it's just for a little while until I catch up to you.
But right now -
I don't want to let you leave me behind again. Not even in planning. I want to go to Shibuya, then Osaka, then Kyoto. Then America, if you really insist.
I think you're trying to save me from my choices - but I don't think I'm the one that needs to be worried over.
[ there's a flash of annoyance, because despite everything that just happened, takeru really can't stand it when people argue against him. it's what made him insist he could still help, even when he had just tried to screw everyone over.
but... even he can see why mineo is saying this, and that he deserves this treatment and mistrust. he still isn't entirely sure why mineo is being so stubborn about him at this point. stockholm syndrome, maybe. it only really makes takeru want to shove him away a little harder, hoping that something will stick and make mineo realize he should be doing something else with his life than whatever this is. ]
Do whatever you want.
[ there's a frustrated huff of breath, and he presses his face into mineo's neck to just give himself a moment to breathe.
what exactly is he supposed to do with this? it feels like everything broke a little bit more, and he isn't sure if he can keep holding the pieces together until it cracks for good. ]
Except for wait for me, if you see something better.
[they have to argue. they have so much to work through. this will probably cause them to fight for a long time to come, even if mineo doesn't want to use it against takeru cruelly - it's just something they have to face in order to get past it.
but he doesn't know how much can be done in one night.
there's still a feeling in him that wants to knock his skull against takeru's - but it dissipates just a little bit more when takeru presses closer to him like he's just trying to recover. so mineo pauses, and he wraps his arms around takeru to hold him just that much closer, one hand coming to his back just to rub his back in silence as they try to work through what they can for tonight.]
.... I won't force you into anything that you don't want, or that you're not ready for. I think we've both said that we have... a lot of our own shit to figure out before we can promise anything. Let's try to get through stuff at home before we make any big decisions like moving across the ocean, or anything like that.
[ . . . . he ducks his head a little, just so that he can speak closer to takeru's ear, a little moment of vulnerability of his own]
But... at least for a few weeks, please - stop trying to leave me behind. I nearly lost you today. Give me some time to recover before you scare me like that again.
If it's about what I want to do.... let me stay with you, while you try to figure this out. I know it's not the same but - if you're stuck, trying to reconcile the things you've done with the people you've hurt... I've been there, too. And you were there for me every time.
Don't try to get me to give up on you, when you didn't give up on me.
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[and he seems to realize it - but since takeru's snapped at him, mineo sure as fuck is just snapping back. well, so much for his calm.]
I know it's fucking crazy after knowing you left me behind! But I already hit you for it, so until you feel better, that much is gonna have to tide me over!
And I also know that no matter what happened today, I still fucking panicked at the idea of losing you!!
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[ he rubs at his face furiously, and then leaves his hands there for a second as he tries to regroup.
it's really a soul crushing feeling, actually having to face your mistakes. funny, how heavy the consequences of your choices are. ]
This isn't going to work out.
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... you don't get to decide that.
Takeru, come on. Look at me.
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[ he doesn't want to?
but, eventually, actually look mineo in the face. ]
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... I'm not leaving you. Now, more than ever, I'm not going to let you go.
And if you regret what you did, then you really have to make up for me. I won't let you run away.
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he both regrets it and he doesn't. he doesn't, because it was for something that he wants so desperately, and he doesn't think he'll ever actually regret going for revenge.
but he does, because there are people here he cares about, even if he's bad at showing it. having to see them all after? how they showed concern? it was heartbreaking. ]
You should do something that'll make you happy.
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he pulls him closer then, if only to see if he'll move with the gesture]
... we really have had this conversation a hundred times - but okay. We'll have it again. First time of a thousand more.
I can't be happy without you. Even if I'm mad at you, even if I don't forgive you right now - the idea of you pulling away from me right at the end, right before we go home...
How could that make me happy?
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You deserve a lot more than this.
[ mineo really should be spending time with his friends, being content that they probably did a good(?) job in finishing things here. ]
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if takeru's struggling, then mineo doesn't mind being stubborn. he'll hold onto him once he's closer then, letting his arms circle around him in a hold that's loose enough that he can still pull away if he wants to.]
... I don't know that I do. [he frowns] Or - I don't know if I want more than this. Does wanting more mean that you'll slip away the second I get distracted again?
Or do you mean that you want to try harder? To make up for what happened?
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[ he hasn't really sat back to analyze his actions. sometimes, you make a terrible decision, and then immediately get triggered repeatedly after and have to do work??
but he sighs, closing his eyes. ]
You shouldn't have to be stuck with me.
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[at least now that takeru's not slimey, mineo doesn't seem to mind it as much - reaching out to run a hand through his hair, letting the touch linger]
You already know you're not off the hook. [they have a lot to unpack here!]
... but it's not like I'm here against my will. I just don't regret choosing you - so I still am.
Do you regret choosing me?
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[ it would be a lot easier if he didn't, because then maybe this sinking feeling in his chest would disappear. but here he is instead, leaning in just slightly at mineo's touch. ]
It feels like I trapped you more than anything.
[ ... ]
I'm going to make you hate me one day.
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... we're all getting our wishes tomorrow. Or - if we aren't, then we'll have the chance to stay until we do. I'll be with you, until both of our wishes are granted.
[he'll let his touch remain then, if takeru's leaning into it. his hand shifts just so that it rests at takeru's jaw, cradling his face]
What's left?
That you'd choose over me?
What could get me to hate you, when even now I only want you with me?
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he doesn't reply right away, instead just leaning into mineo's touch.
what's left? if he gets his wish, then... well. nothing, really? from there it would just be solving x-day, reinstating the gun law, and then what else? what's after that?
he reaches out to mirror mineo's hold, placing a hand against mineo's cheek. ]
I'm sure there's something.
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. . . it's exasperation. it's fondness. it's bitterness. it's brewing forgiveness. it's, more than any of that, an overwhelming loyalty and the realization that someone means more to you than you even have words for.]
.... there won't be.
[and he'll lean into takeru's touch too.]
I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that there's nothing and no one that you'll choose before me anymore.
We can talk about... everything else. How you're feeling, what we're gonna do from here but... understand this much first.
You know what it's like to not choose me - and I know that's complicated.... but if there's really nothing left, now that you're getting what you want....
Know that I'm expecting a lot from you too.
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but he already knew that mineo is a much kinder person than he is, even with all of his own baggage. and it shows again and again, and sometimes it's more startling than others.
there's a moment of hesitation, and he very slowly leans forward to kiss him.
it's gentle, and short-- takeru pulls away very soon after. ]
After we figure out X-Day... I think I really might go to America for a little bit.
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he accepts the kiss - and even with the anger that still sits in his chest, it's rather unreasonably simple to kiss back. it's complicated. they still have so much to resolve. this isn't about indulgence anymore.
but he still likes him.
even with everything that happened today - he still... likes him.]
.... I don't like the sound of this.
[if he's going to be very, very honest.]
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I need to see my mother.
[ her grave. he hasn't been there in such a long time.
... ]
And I need to figure some things out. But I'll make sure Adonis is taken care of first.
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and he's still so unfortunately nervous.]
.... I'm not invited?
[takeru just tried to leave him earlier in the same day - it feels a little too close to losing him again.]
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[ it feels too greedy, to ask mineo to just get up and go, after what happened. ]
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because that's - true? he supposes. he does have a life. but in front of him, there's mostly x-day. even now, he hasn't thought about what he's doing after. if he's going back to field ops. america feels very far, and there are a lot of challenges in that direction too.
but.]
... would you want me to?
[that's the way that takeru's going.]
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[ it's just pure honesty, because takeru has gotten far too used to holding his hand out, and mineo always being there to take it. ]
But more than that, I don't want you to chase after someone who has so much fucking bullshit to figure out. And I don't want you to wait for me. I know you said that you can't be happy, but if there's ever even a glimmer of it, I want you to take it.
[ ... ]
But I'll find you eventually. No matter what we are to each other... I'd come back to you.
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in response to takeru's earlier kiss, short and gentle, mineo can only respond with something angrier. he presses their lips together again, something more certain, even if it feels tinged with bitterness. there is still an insistent, stubborn quality too it before he pulls back.]
... I can't trust you with that. Not after today.
[he can't trust that takeru will come back. he doesn't know if he believe that takeru, who'd wander off to an entirely different content, wouldn't manage to decide mineo's not worth an airplane ride back. it's scary to be left behind - it'll probably take longer than just a few hours for these nerves to die.]
We still have to solve X-Day. I have a lot to figure out too. We... both have graves to visit, once we resolve what we need to do.
Maybe in a few weeks, it'll be easier for me to believe in you, and let you go if that's what you really need. Even if it's just for a little while until I catch up to you.
But right now -
I don't want to let you leave me behind again. Not even in planning. I want to go to Shibuya, then Osaka, then Kyoto. Then America, if you really insist.
I think you're trying to save me from my choices - but I don't think I'm the one that needs to be worried over.
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[ there's a flash of annoyance, because despite everything that just happened, takeru really can't stand it when people argue against him. it's what made him insist he could still help, even when he had just tried to screw everyone over.
but... even he can see why mineo is saying this, and that he deserves this treatment and mistrust. he still isn't entirely sure why mineo is being so stubborn about him at this point. stockholm syndrome, maybe. it only really makes takeru want to shove him away a little harder, hoping that something will stick and make mineo realize he should be doing something else with his life than whatever this is. ]
Do whatever you want.
[ there's a frustrated huff of breath, and he presses his face into mineo's neck to just give himself a moment to breathe.
what exactly is he supposed to do with this? it feels like everything broke a little bit more, and he isn't sure if he can keep holding the pieces together until it cracks for good. ]
Except for wait for me, if you see something better.
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but he doesn't know how much can be done in one night.
there's still a feeling in him that wants to knock his skull against takeru's - but it dissipates just a little bit more when takeru presses closer to him like he's just trying to recover. so mineo pauses, and he wraps his arms around takeru to hold him just that much closer, one hand coming to his back just to rub his back in silence as they try to work through what they can for tonight.]
.... I won't force you into anything that you don't want, or that you're not ready for. I think we've both said that we have... a lot of our own shit to figure out before we can promise anything. Let's try to get through stuff at home before we make any big decisions like moving across the ocean, or anything like that.
[ . . . . he ducks his head a little, just so that he can speak closer to takeru's ear, a little moment of vulnerability of his own]
But... at least for a few weeks, please - stop trying to leave me behind. I nearly lost you today. Give me some time to recover before you scare me like that again.
If it's about what I want to do.... let me stay with you, while you try to figure this out. I know it's not the same but - if you're stuck, trying to reconcile the things you've done with the people you've hurt... I've been there, too. And you were there for me every time.
Don't try to get me to give up on you, when you didn't give up on me.
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