he pulls him closer then, if only to see if he'll move with the gesture]
... we really have had this conversation a hundred times - but okay. We'll have it again. First time of a thousand more.
I can't be happy without you. Even if I'm mad at you, even if I don't forgive you right now - the idea of you pulling away from me right at the end, right before we go home...
if takeru's struggling, then mineo doesn't mind being stubborn. he'll hold onto him once he's closer then, letting his arms circle around him in a hold that's loose enough that he can still pull away if he wants to.]
... I don't know that I do. [he frowns] Or - I don't know if I want more than this. Does wanting more mean that you'll slip away the second I get distracted again?
Or do you mean that you want to try harder? To make up for what happened?
[ he hasn't really sat back to analyze his actions. sometimes, you make a terrible decision, and then immediately get triggered repeatedly after and have to do work??
[ it would be a lot easier if he didn't, because then maybe this sinking feeling in his chest would disappear. but here he is instead, leaning in just slightly at mineo's touch. ]
... we're all getting our wishes tomorrow. Or - if we aren't, then we'll have the chance to stay until we do. I'll be with you, until both of our wishes are granted.
[he'll let his touch remain then, if takeru's leaning into it. his hand shifts just so that it rests at takeru's jaw, cradling his face]
What's left?
That you'd choose over me?
What could get me to hate you, when even now I only want you with me?
he doesn't reply right away, instead just leaning into mineo's touch.
what's left? if he gets his wish, then... well. nothing, really? from there it would just be solving x-day, reinstating the gun law, and then what else? what's after that?
he reaches out to mirror mineo's hold, placing a hand against mineo's cheek. ]
[sometimes you choose your partner and you literally cannot choose anything or anyone else, because you can only focus on one concept at a time and today's concept is -
. . . it's exasperation. it's fondness. it's bitterness. it's brewing forgiveness. it's, more than any of that, an overwhelming loyalty and the realization that someone means more to you than you even have words for.]
.... there won't be.
[and he'll lean into takeru's touch too.]
I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that there's nothing and no one that you'll choose before me anymore.
We can talk about... everything else. How you're feeling, what we're gonna do from here but... understand this much first.
You know what it's like to not choose me - and I know that's complicated.... but if there's really nothing left, now that you're getting what you want....
but he already knew that mineo is a much kinder person than he is, even with all of his own baggage. and it shows again and again, and sometimes it's more startling than others.
there's a moment of hesitation, and he very slowly leans forward to kiss him.
it's gentle, and short-- takeru pulls away very soon after. ]
After we figure out X-Day... I think I really might go to America for a little bit.
he accepts the kiss - and even with the anger that still sits in his chest, it's rather unreasonably simple to kiss back. it's complicated. they still have so much to resolve. this isn't about indulgence anymore.
but he still likes him.
even with everything that happened today - he still... likes him.]
because that's - true? he supposes. he does have a life. but in front of him, there's mostly x-day. even now, he hasn't thought about what he's doing after. if he's going back to field ops. america feels very far, and there are a lot of challenges in that direction too.
[ it's just pure honesty, because takeru has gotten far too used to holding his hand out, and mineo always being there to take it. ]
But more than that, I don't want you to chase after someone who has so much fucking bullshit to figure out. And I don't want you to wait for me. I know you said that you can't be happy, but if there's ever even a glimmer of it, I want you to take it.
[ ... ]
But I'll find you eventually. No matter what we are to each other... I'd come back to you.
[the words make mineo pause for a long few moments, silent - and it's the same as it always is.
in response to takeru's earlier kiss, short and gentle, mineo can only respond with something angrier. he presses their lips together again, something more certain, even if it feels tinged with bitterness. there is still an insistent, stubborn quality too it before he pulls back.]
... I can't trust you with that. Not after today.
[he can't trust that takeru will come back. he doesn't know if he believe that takeru, who'd wander off to an entirely different content, wouldn't manage to decide mineo's not worth an airplane ride back. it's scary to be left behind - it'll probably take longer than just a few hours for these nerves to die.]
We still have to solve X-Day. I have a lot to figure out too. We... both have graves to visit, once we resolve what we need to do.
Maybe in a few weeks, it'll be easier for me to believe in you, and let you go if that's what you really need. Even if it's just for a little while until I catch up to you.
But right now -
I don't want to let you leave me behind again. Not even in planning. I want to go to Shibuya, then Osaka, then Kyoto. Then America, if you really insist.
I think you're trying to save me from my choices - but I don't think I'm the one that needs to be worried over.
[ there's a flash of annoyance, because despite everything that just happened, takeru really can't stand it when people argue against him. it's what made him insist he could still help, even when he had just tried to screw everyone over.
but... even he can see why mineo is saying this, and that he deserves this treatment and mistrust. he still isn't entirely sure why mineo is being so stubborn about him at this point. stockholm syndrome, maybe. it only really makes takeru want to shove him away a little harder, hoping that something will stick and make mineo realize he should be doing something else with his life than whatever this is. ]
Do whatever you want.
[ there's a frustrated huff of breath, and he presses his face into mineo's neck to just give himself a moment to breathe.
what exactly is he supposed to do with this? it feels like everything broke a little bit more, and he isn't sure if he can keep holding the pieces together until it cracks for good. ]
Except for wait for me, if you see something better.
[they have to argue. they have so much to work through. this will probably cause them to fight for a long time to come, even if mineo doesn't want to use it against takeru cruelly - it's just something they have to face in order to get past it.
but he doesn't know how much can be done in one night.
there's still a feeling in him that wants to knock his skull against takeru's - but it dissipates just a little bit more when takeru presses closer to him like he's just trying to recover. so mineo pauses, and he wraps his arms around takeru to hold him just that much closer, one hand coming to his back just to rub his back in silence as they try to work through what they can for tonight.]
.... I won't force you into anything that you don't want, or that you're not ready for. I think we've both said that we have... a lot of our own shit to figure out before we can promise anything. Let's try to get through stuff at home before we make any big decisions like moving across the ocean, or anything like that.
[ . . . . he ducks his head a little, just so that he can speak closer to takeru's ear, a little moment of vulnerability of his own]
But... at least for a few weeks, please - stop trying to leave me behind. I nearly lost you today. Give me some time to recover before you scare me like that again.
If it's about what I want to do.... let me stay with you, while you try to figure this out. I know it's not the same but - if you're stuck, trying to reconcile the things you've done with the people you've hurt... I've been there, too. And you were there for me every time.
Don't try to get me to give up on you, when you didn't give up on me.
[ it feels like a lot to promise someone, especially after stabbing them in the back like this. well, at least in this case, it wasn't really in the back; takeru has been upfront to mineo about this for a while.
but... it still hurts, even if it wasn't unexpected, he supposes. ]
... we'll see. What we can do.
[ it's quiet. takeru has no idea how things will go from here, and he wouldn't really blame mineo if he gets tired of dealing with all of this. he doesn't expect anyone to be this patient.
(even if, in the end, he really does hope for him to be.)
there is so much hesitance in the movement, but he'll slowly wrap his arms around mineo and hold onto him. it's a little desperate, and he's disgusted with himself for it, that he can still grasp onto mineo so selfishly even after everything that happened.
it's more than he deserves. ]
We'll... deal with Adonis. And then we'll see. Okay?
[in the end, he doesn't want to be left in the dark about the people he cares about anymore, and of the list of people that mineo has deemed worth risking his life for - there is still only one person who he declared his loyalty to early. and the odd thing is this -
takeru had said without questioning that if mineo lost his own wish, takeru would have given up his own. if mineo had just found a way to reach him, then maybe he wouldn't have said yes. if there was even just a little bit more time.... he really does believe that it would have been different, because he wants to believe in all the good that takeru can do rather than the bad choices he'll make if he's left to his own devices.
he doesn't think that's delusional. mineo isn't the type of person who can fault someone for one mistake, no matter how monumental of a fuckup it is.
so he leans into takeru's hold, and turns his head just enough so that he can press his lips to his hair gently, like assuring him that it's okay. if he wants to hold onto mineo, then he isn't going anywhere.]
Okay.
[they still have more time before they have to unpack all of this
but even knowing how takeru felt before this, how he always commented on how people might be looking for mineo or how others would want his attention.... now more than ever - ]
.... there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now, Takeru. I promise.
[ that is a terrible decision on mineo's part, actually? please get better taste.
but he's quiet, and it's not really that surprising that he would prefer to shoo mineo out the door to deal with literally everything else that needs to be attended to. takeru really is not joking when he says that mineo is popular? and if this is their last night, then people will definitely be looking for him.
...
he'll move to get up, trying to get to his feet. he's still holding onto mineo, at least, so he's clearly not trying to run away at the moment. ]
You're going to end up hating me at this rate, you know.
[takeru is running a low fever if you don't think mineo's going to shove him into bed to rest then i don't know what to tell you.
but!
but this leads decently into that actually, because once takeru's back on his feet, mineo will go with him - just so that he can scoop him right up and bring him to the bed so that he can rest instead of staying on the floor. he'll deposit him gently enough, even if he doesn't go far himself once he's placed takeru down.]
... I think I'll only manage to hate you if you leave me behind for good. [ . . . well.] But I've also said that I won't forgive you if you make the choice to leave me.
You've done that but... now that you're still here, I suddenly don't know if I can hold a grudge forever. Kinda funny and stupid how that works out.
[so maybe it is only after he loses takeru, now that he's had him, that will cross a line that mineo won't be able to reconcile]
he's still here, for better or for worse, even if that fact wasn't really dependent on himself. but there's really no point in focusing on details like that-- for now. he'll think about it later, when things aren't that fresh and open.
[it's probably expected - there is probably a limit out there for the number of times you can let yourself be lied to and broken by the same person.
apparently mineo is willing to test it now, especially given that he thinks the main obstacle he has for takeru's attention will hopefully disappear tomorrow.
. . . but for now, he'll settle for laying beside him on the bed, running his fingers through his hair]
I don't.
[he's mad, but he thinks they both know that enough he doesn't have to say it. and right now the care wins out. they can talk about being mad after takeru has some time from what he did. that's the lucky thing, about being partners and knowing they're going home together]
... but I think there's also more people you need to face besides me. Even if it's not tonight.
[there are definitely enough people worried about takeru that mineo thinks he doesn't get to just run away]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he pulls him closer then, if only to see if he'll move with the gesture]
... we really have had this conversation a hundred times - but okay. We'll have it again. First time of a thousand more.
I can't be happy without you. Even if I'm mad at you, even if I don't forgive you right now - the idea of you pulling away from me right at the end, right before we go home...
How could that make me happy?
no subject
You deserve a lot more than this.
[ mineo really should be spending time with his friends, being content that they probably did a good(?) job in finishing things here. ]
no subject
if takeru's struggling, then mineo doesn't mind being stubborn. he'll hold onto him once he's closer then, letting his arms circle around him in a hold that's loose enough that he can still pull away if he wants to.]
... I don't know that I do. [he frowns] Or - I don't know if I want more than this. Does wanting more mean that you'll slip away the second I get distracted again?
Or do you mean that you want to try harder? To make up for what happened?
no subject
[ he hasn't really sat back to analyze his actions. sometimes, you make a terrible decision, and then immediately get triggered repeatedly after and have to do work??
but he sighs, closing his eyes. ]
You shouldn't have to be stuck with me.
no subject
[at least now that takeru's not slimey, mineo doesn't seem to mind it as much - reaching out to run a hand through his hair, letting the touch linger]
You already know you're not off the hook. [they have a lot to unpack here!]
... but it's not like I'm here against my will. I just don't regret choosing you - so I still am.
Do you regret choosing me?
no subject
[ it would be a lot easier if he didn't, because then maybe this sinking feeling in his chest would disappear. but here he is instead, leaning in just slightly at mineo's touch. ]
It feels like I trapped you more than anything.
[ ... ]
I'm going to make you hate me one day.
no subject
... we're all getting our wishes tomorrow. Or - if we aren't, then we'll have the chance to stay until we do. I'll be with you, until both of our wishes are granted.
[he'll let his touch remain then, if takeru's leaning into it. his hand shifts just so that it rests at takeru's jaw, cradling his face]
What's left?
That you'd choose over me?
What could get me to hate you, when even now I only want you with me?
no subject
he doesn't reply right away, instead just leaning into mineo's touch.
what's left? if he gets his wish, then... well. nothing, really? from there it would just be solving x-day, reinstating the gun law, and then what else? what's after that?
he reaches out to mirror mineo's hold, placing a hand against mineo's cheek. ]
I'm sure there's something.
no subject
. . . it's exasperation. it's fondness. it's bitterness. it's brewing forgiveness. it's, more than any of that, an overwhelming loyalty and the realization that someone means more to you than you even have words for.]
.... there won't be.
[and he'll lean into takeru's touch too.]
I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that there's nothing and no one that you'll choose before me anymore.
We can talk about... everything else. How you're feeling, what we're gonna do from here but... understand this much first.
You know what it's like to not choose me - and I know that's complicated.... but if there's really nothing left, now that you're getting what you want....
Know that I'm expecting a lot from you too.
no subject
but he already knew that mineo is a much kinder person than he is, even with all of his own baggage. and it shows again and again, and sometimes it's more startling than others.
there's a moment of hesitation, and he very slowly leans forward to kiss him.
it's gentle, and short-- takeru pulls away very soon after. ]
After we figure out X-Day... I think I really might go to America for a little bit.
no subject
he accepts the kiss - and even with the anger that still sits in his chest, it's rather unreasonably simple to kiss back. it's complicated. they still have so much to resolve. this isn't about indulgence anymore.
but he still likes him.
even with everything that happened today - he still... likes him.]
.... I don't like the sound of this.
[if he's going to be very, very honest.]
no subject
I need to see my mother.
[ her grave. he hasn't been there in such a long time.
... ]
And I need to figure some things out. But I'll make sure Adonis is taken care of first.
no subject
and he's still so unfortunately nervous.]
.... I'm not invited?
[takeru just tried to leave him earlier in the same day - it feels a little too close to losing him again.]
no subject
[ it feels too greedy, to ask mineo to just get up and go, after what happened. ]
no subject
because that's - true? he supposes. he does have a life. but in front of him, there's mostly x-day. even now, he hasn't thought about what he's doing after. if he's going back to field ops. america feels very far, and there are a lot of challenges in that direction too.
but.]
... would you want me to?
[that's the way that takeru's going.]
no subject
[ it's just pure honesty, because takeru has gotten far too used to holding his hand out, and mineo always being there to take it. ]
But more than that, I don't want you to chase after someone who has so much fucking bullshit to figure out. And I don't want you to wait for me. I know you said that you can't be happy, but if there's ever even a glimmer of it, I want you to take it.
[ ... ]
But I'll find you eventually. No matter what we are to each other... I'd come back to you.
no subject
in response to takeru's earlier kiss, short and gentle, mineo can only respond with something angrier. he presses their lips together again, something more certain, even if it feels tinged with bitterness. there is still an insistent, stubborn quality too it before he pulls back.]
... I can't trust you with that. Not after today.
[he can't trust that takeru will come back. he doesn't know if he believe that takeru, who'd wander off to an entirely different content, wouldn't manage to decide mineo's not worth an airplane ride back. it's scary to be left behind - it'll probably take longer than just a few hours for these nerves to die.]
We still have to solve X-Day. I have a lot to figure out too. We... both have graves to visit, once we resolve what we need to do.
Maybe in a few weeks, it'll be easier for me to believe in you, and let you go if that's what you really need. Even if it's just for a little while until I catch up to you.
But right now -
I don't want to let you leave me behind again. Not even in planning. I want to go to Shibuya, then Osaka, then Kyoto. Then America, if you really insist.
I think you're trying to save me from my choices - but I don't think I'm the one that needs to be worried over.
no subject
[ there's a flash of annoyance, because despite everything that just happened, takeru really can't stand it when people argue against him. it's what made him insist he could still help, even when he had just tried to screw everyone over.
but... even he can see why mineo is saying this, and that he deserves this treatment and mistrust. he still isn't entirely sure why mineo is being so stubborn about him at this point. stockholm syndrome, maybe. it only really makes takeru want to shove him away a little harder, hoping that something will stick and make mineo realize he should be doing something else with his life than whatever this is. ]
Do whatever you want.
[ there's a frustrated huff of breath, and he presses his face into mineo's neck to just give himself a moment to breathe.
what exactly is he supposed to do with this? it feels like everything broke a little bit more, and he isn't sure if he can keep holding the pieces together until it cracks for good. ]
Except for wait for me, if you see something better.
no subject
but he doesn't know how much can be done in one night.
there's still a feeling in him that wants to knock his skull against takeru's - but it dissipates just a little bit more when takeru presses closer to him like he's just trying to recover. so mineo pauses, and he wraps his arms around takeru to hold him just that much closer, one hand coming to his back just to rub his back in silence as they try to work through what they can for tonight.]
.... I won't force you into anything that you don't want, or that you're not ready for. I think we've both said that we have... a lot of our own shit to figure out before we can promise anything. Let's try to get through stuff at home before we make any big decisions like moving across the ocean, or anything like that.
[ . . . . he ducks his head a little, just so that he can speak closer to takeru's ear, a little moment of vulnerability of his own]
But... at least for a few weeks, please - stop trying to leave me behind. I nearly lost you today. Give me some time to recover before you scare me like that again.
If it's about what I want to do.... let me stay with you, while you try to figure this out. I know it's not the same but - if you're stuck, trying to reconcile the things you've done with the people you've hurt... I've been there, too. And you were there for me every time.
Don't try to get me to give up on you, when you didn't give up on me.
no subject
but... it still hurts, even if it wasn't unexpected, he supposes. ]
... we'll see. What we can do.
[ it's quiet. takeru has no idea how things will go from here, and he wouldn't really blame mineo if he gets tired of dealing with all of this. he doesn't expect anyone to be this patient.
(even if, in the end, he really does hope for him to be.)
there is so much hesitance in the movement, but he'll slowly wrap his arms around mineo and hold onto him. it's a little desperate, and he's disgusted with himself for it, that he can still grasp onto mineo so selfishly even after everything that happened.
it's more than he deserves. ]
We'll... deal with Adonis. And then we'll see. Okay?
no subject
takeru had said without questioning that if mineo lost his own wish, takeru would have given up his own. if mineo had just found a way to reach him, then maybe he wouldn't have said yes. if there was even just a little bit more time.... he really does believe that it would have been different, because he wants to believe in all the good that takeru can do rather than the bad choices he'll make if he's left to his own devices.
he doesn't think that's delusional. mineo isn't the type of person who can fault someone for one mistake, no matter how monumental of a fuckup it is.
so he leans into takeru's hold, and turns his head just enough so that he can press his lips to his hair gently, like assuring him that it's okay. if he wants to hold onto mineo, then he isn't going anywhere.]
Okay.
[they still have more time before they have to unpack all of this
but even knowing how takeru felt before this, how he always commented on how people might be looking for mineo or how others would want his attention.... now more than ever - ]
.... there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now, Takeru. I promise.
no subject
but he's quiet, and it's not really that surprising that he would prefer to shoo mineo out the door to deal with literally everything else that needs to be attended to. takeru really is not joking when he says that mineo is popular? and if this is their last night, then people will definitely be looking for him.
...
he'll move to get up, trying to get to his feet. he's still holding onto mineo, at least, so he's clearly not trying to run away at the moment. ]
You're going to end up hating me at this rate, you know.
no subject
but!
but this leads decently into that actually, because once takeru's back on his feet, mineo will go with him - just so that he can scoop him right up and bring him to the bed so that he can rest instead of staying on the floor. he'll deposit him gently enough, even if he doesn't go far himself once he's placed takeru down.]
... I think I'll only manage to hate you if you leave me behind for good. [ . . . well.] But I've also said that I won't forgive you if you make the choice to leave me.
You've done that but... now that you're still here, I suddenly don't know if I can hold a grudge forever. Kinda funny and stupid how that works out.
[so maybe it is only after he loses takeru, now that he's had him, that will cross a line that mineo won't be able to reconcile]
no subject
he's still here, for better or for worse, even if that fact wasn't really dependent on himself. but there's really no point in focusing on details like that-- for now. he'll think about it later, when things aren't that fresh and open.
... ]
I won't ever blame you if you decide to hate me.
[ it's more expected than anything. ]
But I won't fight you on it if you don't.
no subject
apparently mineo is willing to test it now, especially given that he thinks the main obstacle he has for takeru's attention will hopefully disappear tomorrow.
. . . but for now, he'll settle for laying beside him on the bed, running his fingers through his hair]
I don't.
[he's mad, but he thinks they both know that enough he doesn't have to say it. and right now the care wins out. they can talk about being mad after takeru has some time from what he did. that's the lucky thing, about being partners and knowing they're going home together]
... but I think there's also more people you need to face besides me. Even if it's not tonight.
[there are definitely enough people worried about takeru that mineo thinks he doesn't get to just run away]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
[1/2]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)