[maybe he shouldn't have gone to see takeru at all.
it warred with him - whether he should tell him this with his own mouth, whether he should just avoid him for an entire week, or whether he should keep quiet until there would be a better time to explain. but - it felt like they were partners now. it felt like something that mineo should've shared with takeru, after keeping it a secret for this long.
but sharing it like this is arguably the worst way it could've gone.
so instead he starts running after automatically - he doesn't try to catch takeru physically, doesn't try to cage him in when he already looks so scared - but at the same time he feels like this is something he can't leave alone.]
[ the logical part of him knows that he needs to talk to mineo about this. there is a lot of questions he has, since this overcomplicates a lot of things even when he already had a feeling that something was... off.
but.
he can't. he just quickens his pace, trying so very hard to lose mineo. the problem is that this space isn't infinite, and he eventually runs into a dead end.
he breathes. in. out. he can't do this right now. ]
[the first thing he does is try to make sure that nobody else is in the room - if only because it'd be bad if they drew attention from running around like this. everyone else is probably experiencing this weird thing, but at the same time he doesn't -
he doesn't want to put takeru in any more precarious of a position than he already has.
when they run into a dead end, mineo pauses and tries to catch his breath and - what can he even say?]
[ he knows what it was. it's not hard to figure it out.
he can't exactly look at mineo at the moment, and works on steadying his breathing. takeru knows he's in the middle of a panic attack, and he just needs to somehow get it to stop so that mineo won't hover.
someone told him that the truth has a way of coming out - but did he listen? ha. he pauses before taking careful steps toward takeru, hands hovering up by his face because - he can't expect takeru to be okay after that. not after he was already so nervous around guns. he makes sure his own is out of sight and his hands are nowhere near it.]
... breathe with me, okay?
[before they talk about this - and before takeru hyperventilates.]
it's fine, he can do this, he can stop thinking of mineo getting shot again and again, and how somehow the fact that he couldn't scream in pain properly was somehow worse than if he could have. takeru tries to get the image out of his head, and it just makes him think about...
[well, that doesn't mean for much right now. partners admittedly don't let partners find out that they're as good as dead this way. but he meets takeru halfway - the pauses for breathing, and then the answer.]
... when we got here, I freaked out - because I thought....
I thought we all got judged.
[so he asked about where ichika was - where takeru was. panicked when he thought he might've been by the police station. but then he came to the conclusion that maybe it was just him.
he rubs at his face, trying to buy a little more time before he speaks so he can control his tone. it's still not even enough, the panic still cutting away at the edges.
mineo was judged? he thinks back to what he was told, about the superior. that he knew. but mineo's supposed involvement... he shakes his head. ]
You should have told me earlier.
[ mineo said this himself, but takeru wants to repeat it. it would have maybe make this hurt a little less. ]
[does it matter what he thought? he looks away for a second.]
.... I thought it wouldn't matter, as long as we still both won. And if you come from a week later then - it might not even matter, if I'm still... [alive then.] Because that means that it's possible for me to end up okay.
[ . . . or -
or takeru never cared about his death at all. or at least not enough to be affected by it.
but he realizes now, at least, that being worried about that was stupid. so stupid. takeru's a lot of things, but he's not heartless.
it's just crazy what fear can make you paranoid of.]
a hand comes up to his own face, pressing firmly into his brow as if it'll ease his own headache, his spinning fears and anxiety, and - if it'll quiet this terrible, horrible feeling of relief. like hearing from takeru that he has to live from his own mouth changes anything - he should've known it all along.
(but it was so easy - to feel alone.)]
... I know. I won't. [and he says that - with stubbornness, but also a sense of gratitude. he shouldn't feel happy just to know that someone wants him to live, but.]
It's why - ... It's why I'm here. [he wasn't ready to go out like that.] I don't... want to disappoint anybody anymore.
I can only say so many times that I'm gonna worry whether you want me to or not - so I think giving me a straight answer is just easier than me having to pretend that I believe you when we both know I don't.
[because takeru absolutely just had a panic attack and ran away - and mineo feels bad even cornering him, but at the same time the idea of being alone for a panic attack sounded like it sucked way too much.
not to mention it's - probably weird, to recognize that you're talking to someone who might be dead.]
I'll be okay. I found my resolve. And I... haven't exactly been in denial about the mess I got myself into.
[he's been thinking about it a lot - and just. not voicing it to takeru.]
[ honestly, it just pisses him off, that mineo has just been so...
takeru has to think about their time here, and all of the actions that the other took. how much of it has been influenced by him being captured? what has he been holding back?
fucking idiot.
he opens his mouth to respond, but instead, another memory plays (stop at 29:33). i am not nice enough to write it out like you did.
but once it's done, takeru mostly just looks... more displeased than he already had been, but at least he isn't freaking out. ]
though mineo startles when there's a memory in return and - he supposes that it's not entirely unexpected. and even when it's over, he looks like he's thinking over takeru's words and also the general situation more than anything else.
it's not a memory of takeru getting jumped by adonis.
so it's okay.]
.... the person you want revenge on -
Is it related to... [he looks away, trying to figure out how to phrase it] ... what you have trouble with?
[ there's a pause before he answers as a flash of confusion crosses his features, but then it's gone.
he just nods his head. ]
Yes. I want to kill them because of something that happened. The reason I'm here-- it's not to solve X-Day, or to do anything noble. I just want to be able to kill them.
[ . . . . it shows on his face that he's struggling with this. it's hard, when you just relived your own execution at the hands of someone else passing judgment, deciding that you were evil. but at the same time -
he's seen takeru's reaction to guns and violence. it's not like it doesn't make mineo mad secondhand, defensive and protective. he must've suffered a great loss too.]
... I think you're better than them, you know.
[takeru's better than adonis and the things they resort to.]
But I won't say I don't get the urge.
[he just hopes takeru can resist it. maybe not, if he's already here -
Takeru... You know we have to talk about this, right?
[he has to get that. that it's not something they can avoid the longer that he says that he won't discuss it. not when they're still each other's best chance of success -
even if it's so hard to figure out what 'success' looks like right now, as far as mineo's concerned.]
I can't just shut up and say 'sure' every time you don't want to talk about something. Even if it's not right now - [given that he's not sure how badly secondhand execution rattled takeru and if it's still lingering]
[ he wants to ask more about what he saw of mineo's memory, but he's also aware it's unfair to dig when he's refusing to give more details at the moment.
so instead he'll rub at his face, trying to make sure there's nothing there that might give him away if they spot anyone, and then he walks. ]
[that doesn't answer the question. mineo frowns at that, because he really hates the implication.
he'll follow after quietly before they make it to the rooms, and he closes the door to takeru's behind him.]
... when you're ready to talk about your stuff, I'll talk about mine. [just to acknowledge that he knows he still has more to tell takeru but - he'll let takeru decide when] So just let me know.
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it warred with him - whether he should tell him this with his own mouth, whether he should just avoid him for an entire week, or whether he should keep quiet until there would be a better time to explain. but - it felt like they were partners now. it felt like something that mineo should've shared with takeru, after keeping it a secret for this long.
but sharing it like this is arguably the worst way it could've gone.
so instead he starts running after automatically - he doesn't try to catch takeru physically, doesn't try to cage him in when he already looks so scared - but at the same time he feels like this is something he can't leave alone.]
Takeru -
Takeru....! Wait!
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but.
he can't. he just quickens his pace, trying so very hard to lose mineo. the problem is that this space isn't infinite, and he eventually runs into a dead end.
he breathes. in. out. he can't do this right now. ]
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he doesn't want to put takeru in any more precarious of a position than he already has.
when they run into a dead end, mineo pauses and tries to catch his breath and - what can he even say?]
... sorry. I'm sorry.
[for -
everything?]
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[ he knows what it was. it's not hard to figure it out.
he can't exactly look at mineo at the moment, and works on steadying his breathing. takeru knows he's in the middle of a panic attack, and he just needs to somehow get it to stop so that mineo won't hover.
so he'll just try to keep going as normal. ]
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I was going to tell you.
[eventually.
someone told him that the truth has a way of coming out - but did he listen? ha. he pauses before taking careful steps toward takeru, hands hovering up by his face because - he can't expect takeru to be okay after that. not after he was already so nervous around guns. he makes sure his own is out of sight and his hands are nowhere near it.]
... breathe with me, okay?
[before they talk about this - and before takeru hyperventilates.]
In for three - out for three.
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[ but he still breathes.
it's fine, he can do this, he can stop thinking of mineo getting shot again and again, and how somehow the fact that he couldn't scream in pain properly was somehow worse than if he could have. takeru tries to get the image out of his head, and it just makes him think about...
...
he keeps breathing. ]
Explain.
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[well, that doesn't mean for much right now. partners admittedly don't let partners find out that they're as good as dead this way. but he meets takeru halfway - the pauses for breathing, and then the answer.]
... when we got here, I freaked out - because I thought....
I thought we all got judged.
[so he asked about where ichika was - where takeru was. panicked when he thought he might've been by the police station. but then he came to the conclusion that maybe it was just him.
it's - better, if it was just him.]
But I'm here now. I'll - fix it.
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he rubs at his face, trying to buy a little more time before he speaks so he can control his tone. it's still not even enough, the panic still cutting away at the edges.
mineo was judged? he thinks back to what he was told, about the superior. that he knew. but mineo's supposed involvement... he shakes his head. ]
You should have told me earlier.
[ mineo said this himself, but takeru wants to repeat it. it would have maybe make this hurt a little less. ]
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[ . . . ]
I thought -
[does it matter what he thought? he looks away for a second.]
.... I thought it wouldn't matter, as long as we still both won. And if you come from a week later then - it might not even matter, if I'm still... [alive then.] Because that means that it's possible for me to end up okay.
[ . . . or -
or takeru never cared about his death at all. or at least not enough to be affected by it.
but he realizes now, at least, that being worried about that was stupid. so stupid. takeru's a lot of things, but he's not heartless.
it's just crazy what fear can make you paranoid of.]
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it's what he wants to say, but he's still trying to find his footing from everything else that's going on.
takeru can feel himself calming down, his panic being replaced with anger and confusion at what exactly does all of this mean? ]
You're not allowed to die.
[ it's the first thing that comes to mind.
he won't stand for it. after witnessing this memory, takeru fucking refuses for that to happen. he can't see it twice. ]
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a hand comes up to his own face, pressing firmly into his brow as if it'll ease his own headache, his spinning fears and anxiety, and - if it'll quiet this terrible, horrible feeling of relief. like hearing from takeru that he has to live from his own mouth changes anything - he should've known it all along.
(but it was so easy - to feel alone.)]
... I know. I won't. [and he says that - with stubbornness, but also a sense of gratitude. he shouldn't feel happy just to know that someone wants him to live, but.]
It's why - ... It's why I'm here. [he wasn't ready to go out like that.] I don't... want to disappoint anybody anymore.
[ . . . ]
Are you okay?
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[ he says, after very obviously having a panic attack and running the fuck away.
the more time passes, the more he realizes hiding this from mineo becomes harder and harder. although...
he shakes his head. ]
Don't worry about me. You're the one who needs to be concerned.
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I can only say so many times that I'm gonna worry whether you want me to or not - so I think giving me a straight answer is just easier than me having to pretend that I believe you when we both know I don't.
[because takeru absolutely just had a panic attack and ran away - and mineo feels bad even cornering him, but at the same time the idea of being alone for a panic attack sounded like it sucked way too much.
not to mention it's - probably weird, to recognize that you're talking to someone who might be dead.]
I'll be okay. I found my resolve. And I... haven't exactly been in denial about the mess I got myself into.
[he's been thinking about it a lot - and just. not voicing it to takeru.]
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takeru has to think about their time here, and all of the actions that the other took. how much of it has been influenced by him being captured? what has he been holding back?
fucking idiot.
he opens his mouth to respond, but instead, another memory plays (stop at 29:33). i am not nice enough to write it out like you did.
but once it's done, takeru mostly just looks... more displeased than he already had been, but at least he isn't freaking out. ]
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though mineo startles when there's a memory in return and - he supposes that it's not entirely unexpected. and even when it's over, he looks like he's thinking over takeru's words and also the general situation more than anything else.
it's not a memory of takeru getting jumped by adonis.
so it's okay.]
.... the person you want revenge on -
Is it related to... [he looks away, trying to figure out how to phrase it] ... what you have trouble with?
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he just nods his head. ]
Yes. I want to kill them because of something that happened. The reason I'm here-- it's not to solve X-Day, or to do anything noble. I just want to be able to kill them.
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he's seen takeru's reaction to guns and violence. it's not like it doesn't make mineo mad secondhand, defensive and protective. he must've suffered a great loss too.]
... I think you're better than them, you know.
[takeru's better than adonis and the things they resort to.]
But I won't say I don't get the urge.
[he just hopes takeru can resist it. maybe not, if he's already here -
but mineo's not gonna give up on him either.]
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but it's not something he wants to discuss with mineo. or... is something he even is able to, at the moment, but he moves on from that.
so takeru is quiet, watching mineo's face for even the smallest changes in expression and what they might tell him about the man in front of him.
like it'll give him the answer on if this will work out or not. ]
It's more than an urge. [ ... ] But I won't discuss that any further. My goals won't clash against yours.
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[he has to get that. that it's not something they can avoid the longer that he says that he won't discuss it. not when they're still each other's best chance of success -
even if it's so hard to figure out what 'success' looks like right now, as far as mineo's concerned.]
I can't just shut up and say 'sure' every time you don't want to talk about something. Even if it's not right now - [given that he's not sure how badly secondhand execution rattled takeru and if it's still lingering]
... You said you'd let me help.
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[ he snaps, but besides just the aggravation in his tone, there's still a tinge of confusion in it.
but he just moves past that. ]
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.... later, then.
[if takeru can't talk about it right now. but mineo will just pause and look behind him before reaching out, tapping him lightly on the shoulder]
Come on - let's get water. Maybe a snack.
[rehydrating after a panic attack....]
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[ he wants to ask more about what he saw of mineo's memory, but he's also aware it's unfair to dig when he's refusing to give more details at the moment.
so instead he'll rub at his face, trying to make sure there's nothing there that might give him away if they spot anyone, and then he walks. ]
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Are you still having trouble eating?
.... and can we go back to your room? There's something else I wanted to talk to you about.
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[ that doesn't answer the question.
but he'll go to get water, and then will turn to head to the rooms without word. ]
[1/2]
he'll follow after quietly before they make it to the rooms, and he closes the door to takeru's behind him.]
... when you're ready to talk about your stuff, I'll talk about mine. [just to acknowledge that he knows he still has more to tell takeru but - he'll let takeru decide when] So just let me know.
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