[ it's muttered, and he rests his head against mineo as he thinks.
there's frustration, that he's not doing enough and that others are ahead of him. and a bit of embarrassment that he even has to ask others for help. he was fine with admitting it at the meeting yesterday, but now that he knows he failed to get it again, it settles differently. ]
If every Avatar has a floor, we might be expected to just - hang out here until we reach all the floors. So we have one more, right? You'll have this week and next.
[though if takeru's getting comfortable, mineo will hesitate for just a second before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. it feels weird, like he's not sure how affectionate he's allowed to be. or how much he should even be allowed to feel this way? but, the wish to reassure takeru however he can wins out.
he interlaces their fingers, his other arm curling around him to keep him close]
.... we can figure it out. We asked at the beginning right - if there's a way to make sure that everyone can get their wishes? If that's still true, and it's just dividing up how much people've indulged total...
I think you've already been doing whatever you can, stupid.
[ mineo has been doing a lot more than expected, honestly? even the allowance of the first hickey was a genuine surprise to takeru, and look where they are now.
he opens his mouth to speak, but only a strangled noise comes out. he closes it, tries again to the same effect, and just gradually gets more red as the seconds tick on. until he just. buries his face in takeru's shoulder which solves nothing because by this point he's blushing to the tips of his ears, enough to match the color of his hair.
the overwhelming embarrassment (and like. contemplation? like he's trying to figure out if he could survive through it?)]
he jolts a little when he gets a kiss, out of both surprise and a little bit of fear (please there has been so much horny), before he turns his head to face takeru. he hasn't stopped blushing. but.]
[he leans into the kiss but - aside from that, he hesitates. he falters, and it's clear that he's not entirely sure what he should say. it's a tangle of emotions - uncertainty, concern, longing, protectiveness, frustration, and more than anything, a desire to be useful.
he rests his forehead against takeru's instead of allowing the space.]
... you need your wish, right? There's no guarantee you'll stay [where I can reach you] without it.
[ . . . . it's a little funny - because most of the emotions that mineo feels can normally be read rather easily on his face. he's expressive, and painfully easy to harass. but there are some things that he keeps quiet about, that he smothers with everything he has.
like the stab of hurt that comes with that - with knowing that he still hasn't done enough to avoid being cast aside.]
... even if I follow you, that's not enough to get you to rely on me instead of them?
[instead of running to the same terrorist organization that killed him?]
You know, every week that someone kills here and I don't, I always wonder if that means my resolve is weak. Should I be doing more? Shouldn't I also kill someone to guarantee my wish? How weak am I that I won't go that far...
[ he's torn. there's a pang of something, regret, and shame that he's even thinking of this, and just exhaustion. ]
But then I remember that if I do that, and then caught, I won't have a chance to get what I want. The idea of losing any chance at all just to give me more points isn't worth it.
[ it's not what mineo had asked, but it's evident this is something takeru has been thinking about for a while. ]
[he didn't know. and maybe there is a little bit of a regret of his own - that there is something that takeru was struggling with, but mineo didn't realize. he doesn't stop takeru from pulling away, but he holds onto his hand, keeping their fingers interlaced out of pure stubbornness.
but the concern wins out.]
.... It's not weakness to decide to not kill someone. It's not strength to decide to do it either.
[and it - bothers him. he wonders if the two of them are always going to disagree with this, based on their experience.]
.... but I'm not going to pretend that I care about your wish more than I care about you. I know why you want it. I... I don't really have any right to stop you from getting it.
[which - inspires a different conflict for him. one that pits his desire to stop criminals against his instinct to make anything that hurt takeru bleed. still, he can't help the flare of frustration.]
But you don't need Adonis if it doesn't work out here.
It's not just a matter of me finding him. It's that I literally can't reach him. It's the kind of situation where you need something really outside of the law to get someone else really outside of the law.
[ there's a spike of anger, just pure rage at the idea that he can't touch someone so horrible. there's also an underlying despair, at how impossible this goal might be. ]
He was off the grid for so long, Mineo. But Adonis knows where he is right now, and if I miss that chance, I don't know if I'll ever have another one.
[ - and again, he's stubborn. he's so painfully stubborn. he feels takeru's emotions and there's a secondhand reverb of them, as if mineo's taking on what he feels and getting upset over it twice over. he pulls onto takeru's hand, as if to pull him back already like these moments without contact are already too long.]
Then let's make another way, Takeru! We'll find another chance!
I don't care what it is! Infiltrating Adonis, getting what you want, and then getting back out? If you're so smart and if you acknowledge me, why can't we figure out an alternative?
I can go through all the police records, go anywhere you need me to - hell, I'll even beg Yanagi-senpai for help if that's what it takes!
I don't want you to be stuck doing this. What's going to happen when we get close to cracking X-Day, and you're still stuck with Adonis? How am I gonna get you back? [and there is the crack of heartache - at the idea of again losing someone so close to him to the same people] I'll work every damn day until I do - but you don't need to go that far...!
You're the one who likes having a thousand different backup plans, right? You said you'd choose me ahead of Adonis and you don't want to be a liar - why wouldn't I be worried about it?
[and unfortunately mineo's emotions just swirl worse - the desperation, the determination, the stubbornness and frustration, everything tying around the single-minded goal of not letting takeru go. the words that center around nothing more than the simple sentiment of: I don't want to lose you.]
I'm ready for the worst case scenario - I'm prepared for you to say whatever you need to to my face and then turn around and disappear.
But why would I make it any easier on you to do that?
[he's not ashamed, he's not afraid of being vulnerable - if takeru leaves him behind then mineo will hope he regrets it every second after]
he presses his lips against mineo's. it's not meant to be a distraction, for once, but something that's just soft and full of a sad kind of want. a kind of desire where you're not really sure how much longer you have.
the first is the realization that there is, absolutely and certainly, something that they have not yet touched in talking about. the recognition that there is something here beyond indulgences and loyalty, past even mineo's incredibly binding idea of partnership. there's - more, and in one second his heart feels like it's tumbling out of his chest and right into takeru's hand.
and the second is that in the next moment it feels a little crushed as he realizes the time limit that takeru is expecting. there is a sudden, abrupt heartbreak that takes him by surprise and steals the breath out of his lungs, like he's so close to losing something that he didn't even know that he had.
so it's perhaps a little rough, a little too reactionary, the way that he pulls on takeru's hand abruptly, with the intention of pulling him right off balance so he has no choice but to fall right back into mineo again. so he can catch him, and crash their mouths together in a kiss that is not soft or sad. it's searing, it's angry, and it's so full of sentiment that mineo feels too choked to really say immediately. the earnest and bare don't go, don't leave me behind, don't run so far ahead.
when he does find the words they're murmured against takeru's mouth, somewhere between awed and incensed - ]
When did you become someone I don't want to live without?
[ there's a burst of surprise and offense when mineo yanks him forward. it's a bit of an annoying reminder, that mineo is a lot physically stronger than him, and that he can more easily control this specific aspect of their relationship. he wants to say something, to complain, but.
but mineo kisses him, and it's difficult to process the emotions behind it. not in the sense of trying to understand them-- because takeru does. he realized what this was earlier, mostly because this feeling of wanting to be closer to someone, of believing that maybe you found someone you want to get to know better and to keep at your side, isn't entirely new. the problem is that the last time he felt this, ichika fumbled too often. she would say the wrong thing. reach incorrect conclusions. didn't know how to reach him in the moment it truly mattered.
choosing to leave her hurt, and it's a decision he does regret, but he can't say it was entirely hard to pick between the two.
so, takeru knows what this is, and he knew for a little while now. from the small surges of happiness when they kissed, the fierce protectiveness, the small spikes of jealousy. but he's someone who can throw away his heart for something else, something he thinks is more important. it's simple to ignore what your heart might want when every other nerve in your body is hardwired in a different direction.
and yet. ]
That sounds like a problem.
[ there's just a confused bundle of emotions coming from him. want, and anger, and guilt. the need to pull mineo closer to him, but the terrible urge to push him away. ]
[oftentimes, mineo is so terribly straightforward. he is reckless, and he charges forward. but sometimes - just sometimes - he can manage to be someone a little bit more thoughtful, nearly conniving. so it is when he catches those emotions, when he realizes that takeru already feels guilt, he latches onto them. his hold on takeru's hand tightens, his other hand comes up to his face to keep him close, so he can't pull away too far.
intensely and overwhelming, there is only the desire for him to stay. close enough to touch, close enough that mineo can hold onto him, close and closer still.]
... can't it just be the solution? Can't you just choose me?
[and maybe this type of war is something that mineo struggles to understand - even when he was at his most torn and indecisive, he was stuck in place rather than running away - but the feelings in his heart are so single-minded. they revolve entirely around this goal of keeping takeru, of saving him before he's too far gone.]
I'll take responsibility. Even if you think about this for the rest of your life, I'll carry it with you. We'll keep trying, even if we don't figure it out here. If I'm wrong, I'll repent and make it up to you every single day even if you hate me.
[sincerity. certainty. the unrepentant fact that mineo is so wholeheartedly unafraid of giving this much of himself to this specific cause - to takeru.]
I can't let you do this, Takeru. You'll have to deal with me no matter what, whether you want me or not - so why can't you just admit you want me?
[ it's honest, so searingly honest. that takeru really would hold this against mineo for the rest of their lives, for as long as they live. just knowing that you can care about someone so much, beyond words, but also know that you'd be ready to hold something against them forever.
it's a complicated feeling. ]
And do you really want to hear the answer to that right now?
[ it's way too close to something, and takeru knows that it's a subject that mineo has been avoiding while here. that he's been very insistent about not taking part of as long as the race is going on. ]
I know. I still won't back off, and I won't give up.
[he knows that he wouldn't be forgiven because - what if someone took away his choice about what to do with fuji's murderer? what if that person was right in front of him, and he wasn't able to actually bring them to justice - whatever that means? he would never forgive them.
but taking on a deal from a terrorist organization is where he and takeru differ.
yet his question - they pull up a complicated emotion from mineo. a hesitance, guilt as if he shouldn't even be considering it because the race still isn't over, and he falters for just a second. he doesn't want to run from any conversation, and yet.]
.... if it's you -
Shouldn't I get to know?
[even if he can't promise an answer, even if he can't say for certain one way or another just yet. even if both of them know that it would just invite trouble if they truly tried.]
there's a pause, and he kisses mineo. there's just a pure longing to it, a feeling of nothing but desire and affection, and when he pulls back just a bit, his expression is just a little amused, like he thinks the fact it's even come to this is funny. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ it's muttered, and he rests his head against mineo as he thinks.
there's frustration, that he's not doing enough and that others are ahead of him. and a bit of embarrassment that he even has to ask others for help. he was fine with admitting it at the meeting yesterday, but now that he knows he failed to get it again, it settles differently. ]
And how much more time we have.
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If every Avatar has a floor, we might be expected to just - hang out here until we reach all the floors. So we have one more, right? You'll have this week and next.
[though if takeru's getting comfortable, mineo will hesitate for just a second before pressing a kiss to the side of his head. it feels weird, like he's not sure how affectionate he's allowed to be. or how much he should even be allowed to feel this way? but, the wish to reassure takeru however he can wins out.
he interlaces their fingers, his other arm curling around him to keep him close]
.... we can figure it out. We asked at the beginning right - if there's a way to make sure that everyone can get their wishes? If that's still true, and it's just dividing up how much people've indulged total...
I'll do whatever I have to, to get your wish too.
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[ mineo has been doing a lot more than expected, honestly? even the allowance of the first hickey was a genuine surprise to takeru, and look where they are now.
he goes quiet for a few seconds. ]
I guess we can try whipped cream.
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For?
[SURELY
TAKERU CAN'T MEAN,,,,]
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delighted amusement ]
You have an imagination.
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he opens his mouth to speak, but only a strangled noise comes out. he closes it, tries again to the same effect, and just gradually gets more red as the seconds tick on. until he just. buries his face in takeru's shoulder which solves nothing because by this point he's blushing to the tips of his ears, enough to match the color of his hair.
the overwhelming embarrassment (and like. contemplation? like he's trying to figure out if he could survive through it?)]
Oh my god.
[TAKERU IS SO HORNY HE CAN'T KEEP UP]
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he presses a kiss against mineo's neck. ]
I'll remember to bring a can for later.
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he jolts a little when he gets a kiss, out of both surprise and a little bit of fear (please there has been so much horny), before he turns his head to face takeru. he hasn't stopped blushing. but.]
T-Takeru, I'm trying to be serious...!
[clearly mixed results]
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and then sighs, pulling back a bit to look at mineo properly. ]
I'm fine with whatever you want to do.
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he rests his forehead against takeru's instead of allowing the space.]
... you need your wish, right? There's no guarantee you'll stay [where I can reach you] without it.
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[ there's a tired resignation, just a confirmation that he really is ready to drop everything and run if he needs to.
... ]
I need it.
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like the stab of hurt that comes with that - with knowing that he still hasn't done enough to avoid being cast aside.]
... even if I follow you, that's not enough to get you to rely on me instead of them?
[instead of running to the same terrorist organization that killed him?]
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[ he pulls away. ]
You know, every week that someone kills here and I don't, I always wonder if that means my resolve is weak. Should I be doing more? Shouldn't I also kill someone to guarantee my wish? How weak am I that I won't go that far...
[ he's torn. there's a pang of something, regret, and shame that he's even thinking of this, and just exhaustion. ]
But then I remember that if I do that, and then caught, I won't have a chance to get what I want. The idea of losing any chance at all just to give me more points isn't worth it.
[ it's not what mineo had asked, but it's evident this is something takeru has been thinking about for a while. ]
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but the concern wins out.]
.... It's not weakness to decide to not kill someone. It's not strength to decide to do it either.
[and it - bothers him. he wonders if the two of them are always going to disagree with this, based on their experience.]
.... but I'm not going to pretend that I care about your wish more than I care about you. I know why you want it. I... I don't really have any right to stop you from getting it.
[which - inspires a different conflict for him. one that pits his desire to stop criminals against his instinct to make anything that hurt takeru bleed. still, he can't help the flare of frustration.]
But you don't need Adonis if it doesn't work out here.
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[ his grip on mineo's hand tightens. ]
It's not just a matter of me finding him. It's that I literally can't reach him. It's the kind of situation where you need something really outside of the law to get someone else really outside of the law.
[ there's a spike of anger, just pure rage at the idea that he can't touch someone so horrible. there's also an underlying despair, at how impossible this goal might be. ]
He was off the grid for so long, Mineo. But Adonis knows where he is right now, and if I miss that chance, I don't know if I'll ever have another one.
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Then let's make another way, Takeru! We'll find another chance!
I don't care what it is! Infiltrating Adonis, getting what you want, and then getting back out? If you're so smart and if you acknowledge me, why can't we figure out an alternative?
I can go through all the police records, go anywhere you need me to - hell, I'll even beg Yanagi-senpai for help if that's what it takes!
I don't want you to be stuck doing this. What's going to happen when we get close to cracking X-Day, and you're still stuck with Adonis? How am I gonna get you back? [and there is the crack of heartache - at the idea of again losing someone so close to him to the same people] I'll work every damn day until I do - but you don't need to go that far...!
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but emotionshare really is a bitch of a week, because getting hit with mineo's emotions makes him pause. ]
We need to get out of here before we deal with that.
[ it's a nudge to get out of this topic. but. ]
It's not something we'd need to worry about if I get my wish.
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[and unfortunately mineo's emotions just swirl worse - the desperation, the determination, the stubbornness and frustration, everything tying around the single-minded goal of not letting takeru go. the words that center around nothing more than the simple sentiment of: I don't want to lose you.]
I'm ready for the worst case scenario - I'm prepared for you to say whatever you need to to my face and then turn around and disappear.
But why would I make it any easier on you to do that?
[he's not ashamed, he's not afraid of being vulnerable - if takeru leaves him behind then mineo will hope he regrets it every second after]
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he presses his lips against mineo's. it's not meant to be a distraction, for once, but something that's just soft and full of a sad kind of want. a kind of desire where you're not really sure how much longer you have.
takeru pulls back. ]
You usually never make anything easier.
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the first is the realization that there is, absolutely and certainly, something that they have not yet touched in talking about. the recognition that there is something here beyond indulgences and loyalty, past even mineo's incredibly binding idea of partnership. there's - more, and in one second his heart feels like it's tumbling out of his chest and right into takeru's hand.
and the second is that in the next moment it feels a little crushed as he realizes the time limit that takeru is expecting. there is a sudden, abrupt heartbreak that takes him by surprise and steals the breath out of his lungs, like he's so close to losing something that he didn't even know that he had.
so it's perhaps a little rough, a little too reactionary, the way that he pulls on takeru's hand abruptly, with the intention of pulling him right off balance so he has no choice but to fall right back into mineo again. so he can catch him, and crash their mouths together in a kiss that is not soft or sad. it's searing, it's angry, and it's so full of sentiment that mineo feels too choked to really say immediately. the earnest and bare don't go, don't leave me behind, don't run so far ahead.
when he does find the words they're murmured against takeru's mouth, somewhere between awed and incensed - ]
When did you become someone I don't want to live without?
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but mineo kisses him, and it's difficult to process the emotions behind it. not in the sense of trying to understand them-- because takeru does. he realized what this was earlier, mostly because this feeling of wanting to be closer to someone, of believing that maybe you found someone you want to get to know better and to keep at your side, isn't entirely new. the problem is that the last time he felt this, ichika fumbled too often. she would say the wrong thing. reach incorrect conclusions. didn't know how to reach him in the moment it truly mattered.
choosing to leave her hurt, and it's a decision he does regret, but he can't say it was entirely hard to pick between the two.
so, takeru knows what this is, and he knew for a little while now. from the small surges of happiness when they kissed, the fierce protectiveness, the small spikes of jealousy. but he's someone who can throw away his heart for something else, something he thinks is more important. it's simple to ignore what your heart might want when every other nerve in your body is hardwired in a different direction.
and yet. ]
That sounds like a problem.
[ there's just a confused bundle of emotions coming from him. want, and anger, and guilt. the need to pull mineo closer to him, but the terrible urge to push him away. ]
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intensely and overwhelming, there is only the desire for him to stay. close enough to touch, close enough that mineo can hold onto him, close and closer still.]
... can't it just be the solution? Can't you just choose me?
[and maybe this type of war is something that mineo struggles to understand - even when he was at his most torn and indecisive, he was stuck in place rather than running away - but the feelings in his heart are so single-minded. they revolve entirely around this goal of keeping takeru, of saving him before he's too far gone.]
I'll take responsibility. Even if you think about this for the rest of your life, I'll carry it with you. We'll keep trying, even if we don't figure it out here. If I'm wrong, I'll repent and make it up to you every single day even if you hate me.
[sincerity. certainty. the unrepentant fact that mineo is so wholeheartedly unafraid of giving this much of himself to this specific cause - to takeru.]
I can't let you do this, Takeru. You'll have to deal with me no matter what, whether you want me or not - so why can't you just admit you want me?
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[ it's honest, so searingly honest. that takeru really would hold this against mineo for the rest of their lives, for as long as they live. just knowing that you can care about someone so much, beyond words, but also know that you'd be ready to hold something against them forever.
it's a complicated feeling. ]
And do you really want to hear the answer to that right now?
[ it's way too close to something, and takeru knows that it's a subject that mineo has been avoiding while here. that he's been very insistent about not taking part of as long as the race is going on. ]
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[he knows that he wouldn't be forgiven because - what if someone took away his choice about what to do with fuji's murderer? what if that person was right in front of him, and he wasn't able to actually bring them to justice - whatever that means? he would never forgive them.
but taking on a deal from a terrorist organization is where he and takeru differ.
yet his question - they pull up a complicated emotion from mineo. a hesitance, guilt as if he shouldn't even be considering it because the race still isn't over, and he falters for just a second. he doesn't want to run from any conversation, and yet.]
.... if it's you -
Shouldn't I get to know?
[even if he can't promise an answer, even if he can't say for certain one way or another just yet. even if both of them know that it would just invite trouble if they truly tried.]
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there's a pause, and he kisses mineo. there's just a pure longing to it, a feeling of nothing but desire and affection, and when he pulls back just a bit, his expression is just a little amused, like he thinks the fact it's even come to this is funny. ]
... we'll get back to this later.
[ he felt the hesitation. ]
You're probably not ready yet. So we can wait.
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