You're the one who likes having a thousand different backup plans, right? You said you'd choose me ahead of Adonis and you don't want to be a liar - why wouldn't I be worried about it?
[and unfortunately mineo's emotions just swirl worse - the desperation, the determination, the stubbornness and frustration, everything tying around the single-minded goal of not letting takeru go. the words that center around nothing more than the simple sentiment of: I don't want to lose you.]
I'm ready for the worst case scenario - I'm prepared for you to say whatever you need to to my face and then turn around and disappear.
But why would I make it any easier on you to do that?
[he's not ashamed, he's not afraid of being vulnerable - if takeru leaves him behind then mineo will hope he regrets it every second after]
he presses his lips against mineo's. it's not meant to be a distraction, for once, but something that's just soft and full of a sad kind of want. a kind of desire where you're not really sure how much longer you have.
the first is the realization that there is, absolutely and certainly, something that they have not yet touched in talking about. the recognition that there is something here beyond indulgences and loyalty, past even mineo's incredibly binding idea of partnership. there's - more, and in one second his heart feels like it's tumbling out of his chest and right into takeru's hand.
and the second is that in the next moment it feels a little crushed as he realizes the time limit that takeru is expecting. there is a sudden, abrupt heartbreak that takes him by surprise and steals the breath out of his lungs, like he's so close to losing something that he didn't even know that he had.
so it's perhaps a little rough, a little too reactionary, the way that he pulls on takeru's hand abruptly, with the intention of pulling him right off balance so he has no choice but to fall right back into mineo again. so he can catch him, and crash their mouths together in a kiss that is not soft or sad. it's searing, it's angry, and it's so full of sentiment that mineo feels too choked to really say immediately. the earnest and bare don't go, don't leave me behind, don't run so far ahead.
when he does find the words they're murmured against takeru's mouth, somewhere between awed and incensed - ]
When did you become someone I don't want to live without?
[ there's a burst of surprise and offense when mineo yanks him forward. it's a bit of an annoying reminder, that mineo is a lot physically stronger than him, and that he can more easily control this specific aspect of their relationship. he wants to say something, to complain, but.
but mineo kisses him, and it's difficult to process the emotions behind it. not in the sense of trying to understand them-- because takeru does. he realized what this was earlier, mostly because this feeling of wanting to be closer to someone, of believing that maybe you found someone you want to get to know better and to keep at your side, isn't entirely new. the problem is that the last time he felt this, ichika fumbled too often. she would say the wrong thing. reach incorrect conclusions. didn't know how to reach him in the moment it truly mattered.
choosing to leave her hurt, and it's a decision he does regret, but he can't say it was entirely hard to pick between the two.
so, takeru knows what this is, and he knew for a little while now. from the small surges of happiness when they kissed, the fierce protectiveness, the small spikes of jealousy. but he's someone who can throw away his heart for something else, something he thinks is more important. it's simple to ignore what your heart might want when every other nerve in your body is hardwired in a different direction.
and yet. ]
That sounds like a problem.
[ there's just a confused bundle of emotions coming from him. want, and anger, and guilt. the need to pull mineo closer to him, but the terrible urge to push him away. ]
[oftentimes, mineo is so terribly straightforward. he is reckless, and he charges forward. but sometimes - just sometimes - he can manage to be someone a little bit more thoughtful, nearly conniving. so it is when he catches those emotions, when he realizes that takeru already feels guilt, he latches onto them. his hold on takeru's hand tightens, his other hand comes up to his face to keep him close, so he can't pull away too far.
intensely and overwhelming, there is only the desire for him to stay. close enough to touch, close enough that mineo can hold onto him, close and closer still.]
... can't it just be the solution? Can't you just choose me?
[and maybe this type of war is something that mineo struggles to understand - even when he was at his most torn and indecisive, he was stuck in place rather than running away - but the feelings in his heart are so single-minded. they revolve entirely around this goal of keeping takeru, of saving him before he's too far gone.]
I'll take responsibility. Even if you think about this for the rest of your life, I'll carry it with you. We'll keep trying, even if we don't figure it out here. If I'm wrong, I'll repent and make it up to you every single day even if you hate me.
[sincerity. certainty. the unrepentant fact that mineo is so wholeheartedly unafraid of giving this much of himself to this specific cause - to takeru.]
I can't let you do this, Takeru. You'll have to deal with me no matter what, whether you want me or not - so why can't you just admit you want me?
[ it's honest, so searingly honest. that takeru really would hold this against mineo for the rest of their lives, for as long as they live. just knowing that you can care about someone so much, beyond words, but also know that you'd be ready to hold something against them forever.
it's a complicated feeling. ]
And do you really want to hear the answer to that right now?
[ it's way too close to something, and takeru knows that it's a subject that mineo has been avoiding while here. that he's been very insistent about not taking part of as long as the race is going on. ]
I know. I still won't back off, and I won't give up.
[he knows that he wouldn't be forgiven because - what if someone took away his choice about what to do with fuji's murderer? what if that person was right in front of him, and he wasn't able to actually bring them to justice - whatever that means? he would never forgive them.
but taking on a deal from a terrorist organization is where he and takeru differ.
yet his question - they pull up a complicated emotion from mineo. a hesitance, guilt as if he shouldn't even be considering it because the race still isn't over, and he falters for just a second. he doesn't want to run from any conversation, and yet.]
.... if it's you -
Shouldn't I get to know?
[even if he can't promise an answer, even if he can't say for certain one way or another just yet. even if both of them know that it would just invite trouble if they truly tried.]
there's a pause, and he kisses mineo. there's just a pure longing to it, a feeling of nothing but desire and affection, and when he pulls back just a bit, his expression is just a little amused, like he thinks the fact it's even come to this is funny. ]
[ . . . . he feels a little ashamed. like he wants to know - but he can't help but feel as though takeru might be right. but that's no one's fault but mineo's. a twist in his chest, like him not being ready to talk about it yet is his own failing. his heart isn't in the right place, his head's not prepared for truly making a decision. it's his fault.
but takeru is so - painfully thoughtful, in ways that mineo hadn't quite realized. that in and of itself manages to make his heart leap a little painfully, even as he pulls back from the kiss and lets his face bury in takeru's neck as if to hide.
it doesn't do much to hide his own overwhelming affection, even if it's tinted with some shades of confusion and uncertainty, like he's still processing it. and the guilt for not being sure.]
[ he really wonders how this would have gone, if mineo wasn't here with him. all takeru knows it that it was have been a completely different experience, even if he isn't sure if it's a good thing or not.
takeru goes quiet, listening to mineo's breath, as he wonders what to do from here. after a moment, ]
[ - the comment manages to pull a huff of a laugh from him, even from his position resting against takeru. he presses a kiss to takeru's neck, brief but sweet.]
What do you mean by that? I should've been working all along, right?
[isn't this just making up for all the bad karma he racked up before they got here?]
[ he's trying to steer the conversation away from what they were talking about. it's both to save mineo from having to linger too longer on feelings that he isn't ready yet to analyze, but also to distance themselves from the topic of adonis that's never lingering too far away from them.
but, also, they do need to solve this other problem. ]
[ . . . . when takeru's grip on him tightens - he can't help that feeling of reassurance. of knowing that takeru wants to hold onto him to, even if he can't promise how.
he hears the question, and he knows that they're meant to stop arguing about the same thing - for now. they'll revisit it, because of course they will. they've been arguing in circles for weeks, and they might be arguing forever... if takeru doesn't figure out his wish here.
there really is just one solution right? make sure that he gets his wish.
he pauses for a second, before he presses their lips together again, as if the affection will reassure him too, and his nerves.]
.... there are some things left I haven't given you, right?
[he leans into the kiss and - there is just a little bit of amusement. takeru keeps jumping on him at literally any moment, and yet now there's this consideration? where was this in the common room or observation room.
but.]
.... it makes me a little mad. [if he's being totally honest. but he'll pull away then, removing his eyepatch and taking out his ponytail. though he pauses to also start removing the necklace he always wears] There's a lot about this place that pisses me off, but it did give me meeting you.
[this version of takeru, who is probably just as much of a pain in the ass as any other version of takeru, but regardless is the one that mineo has gotten so fond of.]
.... but if I think about it less like this place making me give up something, and more like.... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give you everything I could.... it's way easier. [a beat] And - I've kind of wanted to.
[every time they hooked up, mineo has absolutely entertained anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute at a time if they might as well just go all the way. he really is hotblooded, at the end of the day.
even though it remains that he's also a romantic, and he is sincere. he can't casually date, and he can't casually hook up. he never really thought of it as waiting for the right person when, before this, no one even wanted him. but if takeru wants him, and if this is just one more way for mineo to show how serious he is about saving him....
he unfastens his necklace then, pushing it into takeru's palm even as he kisses him again. certain, determined, and so terribly and endlessly devoted.]
.... so if you wander off because you're doing something stupid, hold onto the parts of me that I'm giving, until we meet again. Because we will, no matter how this turns out. I'll never stop running after you.
[ it's funny, because takeru really does not have mineo's reservations about this. to put it bluntly, it's not like he's a slut? he really isn't the type to go out and have casual sex with others, and only finally accepted hooking up with others when he didn't receive the first item when the first batch of people did.
it was stubbornness and pride, more than anything, that urged him to indulge sexually.
but there's a certain level of care that he wants to give mineo. and admittedly, takeru really has no problems with getting what he wants. he will say what he wants to do, and see if he can get away with it and will pout a bit when he's denied (he will continue to try to get mineo to give him a bj in a public space). but, at least for this, he wanted to be considerate. ]
... then I'll make sure that you'll never even think this was a bad idea. [ he kisses mineo again. ] And make you wish you did this earlier with me.
[ it's mostly him just trying to kill any more nerves that mineo might still have. ]
[there is the slightest chill down his spine as he realizes suddenly this is simply giving takeru another weapon in his arsenal to absolutely fucking destroy him. will he sleep at all for the next few days. is anywhere safe.
but - there is the bundle of nerves. of course there is. takeru doesn't need emotionshare for that, to know that mineo's heart is hammering against his chest. he can probably feel it, close as they are. but there is also trust, adoration, and full faith that he can believe in what takeru's saying. he doubts that he'll regret this either. it's easy to lean into the kiss, to let his fingers tangle lightly in takeru's hair to keep him close, and then fall back onto the bed to bring both of them down]
You kept me waiting too, Takeru.
[even though he'll always, always want to catch him.
i can't believe it took 7 weeks for them to fuck anyway hanky panky, enomoto mineo is no longer a virgin. fuck.]
[ it was horrendously intimate because this is emotionshare week. literally what a time to choose to have sex for the first time. anyway. after.
after, takeru is curled around mineo, legs tangled with his, as he idly brushes a finger through mineo's hair. he's not really saying anything for a while, but after a moment, ]
[SO INTIMATE. JUST SO INCREDIBLY INTIMATE. the idea of even more vulnerability and intensity being passed than just horny feelings. oh my god.
mineo is perfectly content to be affectionate after, even if he's also - a little awed? it's fine. sometimes you realize that you had sex for the first time with your partner who you were barely even coworkers with 8 weeks ago. though at the teasing he's automatically flustered, because some stupid habits just won't die. he buries his face into takeru's hair]
Stop.
[that's it, that's all he can say. but he also automatically presses a kiss to his temple too. horrible. he's still so fond, it's the worst.]
[ yeah it really is just. adoration? very gross feelings, but also great amusement... mineo can feel the s in takeru in this moment when he flusters at the comment. ]
For someone who gets so shy when the topic comes up, you really get into it.
[oh it's just so soft. even with the amusement and the S tendencies, it's so soft and mineo's heart is melting because he's a dumb loser who's easily made so happy with attention - up until he gets teased again and then there's another surge of embarrassment and indignation.]
I - that's not...! My fault...!
[it is. and he presses his mouth against takeru's as if it'd be enough to get him to shut up. though there is also a bundle of nerves again as he seems to worry - ]
... it was - okay? For you?
[did mineo probably go full head empty at some point and get really aggressive again? yes. but he really does have to check after, because even with emotionshare, he worries about being able to please takeru.]
[takeru really absolutely does not need emotionshare to feel the way that mineo's heart nearly stops at that, as he also nearly stops breathing, from some combination of surprise and embarrassment and, unfortunately, horny.]
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[and unfortunately mineo's emotions just swirl worse - the desperation, the determination, the stubbornness and frustration, everything tying around the single-minded goal of not letting takeru go. the words that center around nothing more than the simple sentiment of: I don't want to lose you.]
I'm ready for the worst case scenario - I'm prepared for you to say whatever you need to to my face and then turn around and disappear.
But why would I make it any easier on you to do that?
[he's not ashamed, he's not afraid of being vulnerable - if takeru leaves him behind then mineo will hope he regrets it every second after]
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he presses his lips against mineo's. it's not meant to be a distraction, for once, but something that's just soft and full of a sad kind of want. a kind of desire where you're not really sure how much longer you have.
takeru pulls back. ]
You usually never make anything easier.
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the first is the realization that there is, absolutely and certainly, something that they have not yet touched in talking about. the recognition that there is something here beyond indulgences and loyalty, past even mineo's incredibly binding idea of partnership. there's - more, and in one second his heart feels like it's tumbling out of his chest and right into takeru's hand.
and the second is that in the next moment it feels a little crushed as he realizes the time limit that takeru is expecting. there is a sudden, abrupt heartbreak that takes him by surprise and steals the breath out of his lungs, like he's so close to losing something that he didn't even know that he had.
so it's perhaps a little rough, a little too reactionary, the way that he pulls on takeru's hand abruptly, with the intention of pulling him right off balance so he has no choice but to fall right back into mineo again. so he can catch him, and crash their mouths together in a kiss that is not soft or sad. it's searing, it's angry, and it's so full of sentiment that mineo feels too choked to really say immediately. the earnest and bare don't go, don't leave me behind, don't run so far ahead.
when he does find the words they're murmured against takeru's mouth, somewhere between awed and incensed - ]
When did you become someone I don't want to live without?
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but mineo kisses him, and it's difficult to process the emotions behind it. not in the sense of trying to understand them-- because takeru does. he realized what this was earlier, mostly because this feeling of wanting to be closer to someone, of believing that maybe you found someone you want to get to know better and to keep at your side, isn't entirely new. the problem is that the last time he felt this, ichika fumbled too often. she would say the wrong thing. reach incorrect conclusions. didn't know how to reach him in the moment it truly mattered.
choosing to leave her hurt, and it's a decision he does regret, but he can't say it was entirely hard to pick between the two.
so, takeru knows what this is, and he knew for a little while now. from the small surges of happiness when they kissed, the fierce protectiveness, the small spikes of jealousy. but he's someone who can throw away his heart for something else, something he thinks is more important. it's simple to ignore what your heart might want when every other nerve in your body is hardwired in a different direction.
and yet. ]
That sounds like a problem.
[ there's just a confused bundle of emotions coming from him. want, and anger, and guilt. the need to pull mineo closer to him, but the terrible urge to push him away. ]
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intensely and overwhelming, there is only the desire for him to stay. close enough to touch, close enough that mineo can hold onto him, close and closer still.]
... can't it just be the solution? Can't you just choose me?
[and maybe this type of war is something that mineo struggles to understand - even when he was at his most torn and indecisive, he was stuck in place rather than running away - but the feelings in his heart are so single-minded. they revolve entirely around this goal of keeping takeru, of saving him before he's too far gone.]
I'll take responsibility. Even if you think about this for the rest of your life, I'll carry it with you. We'll keep trying, even if we don't figure it out here. If I'm wrong, I'll repent and make it up to you every single day even if you hate me.
[sincerity. certainty. the unrepentant fact that mineo is so wholeheartedly unafraid of giving this much of himself to this specific cause - to takeru.]
I can't let you do this, Takeru. You'll have to deal with me no matter what, whether you want me or not - so why can't you just admit you want me?
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[ it's honest, so searingly honest. that takeru really would hold this against mineo for the rest of their lives, for as long as they live. just knowing that you can care about someone so much, beyond words, but also know that you'd be ready to hold something against them forever.
it's a complicated feeling. ]
And do you really want to hear the answer to that right now?
[ it's way too close to something, and takeru knows that it's a subject that mineo has been avoiding while here. that he's been very insistent about not taking part of as long as the race is going on. ]
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[he knows that he wouldn't be forgiven because - what if someone took away his choice about what to do with fuji's murderer? what if that person was right in front of him, and he wasn't able to actually bring them to justice - whatever that means? he would never forgive them.
but taking on a deal from a terrorist organization is where he and takeru differ.
yet his question - they pull up a complicated emotion from mineo. a hesitance, guilt as if he shouldn't even be considering it because the race still isn't over, and he falters for just a second. he doesn't want to run from any conversation, and yet.]
.... if it's you -
Shouldn't I get to know?
[even if he can't promise an answer, even if he can't say for certain one way or another just yet. even if both of them know that it would just invite trouble if they truly tried.]
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there's a pause, and he kisses mineo. there's just a pure longing to it, a feeling of nothing but desire and affection, and when he pulls back just a bit, his expression is just a little amused, like he thinks the fact it's even come to this is funny. ]
... we'll get back to this later.
[ he felt the hesitation. ]
You're probably not ready yet. So we can wait.
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but takeru is so - painfully thoughtful, in ways that mineo hadn't quite realized. that in and of itself manages to make his heart leap a little painfully, even as he pulls back from the kiss and lets his face bury in takeru's neck as if to hide.
it doesn't do much to hide his own overwhelming affection, even if it's tinted with some shades of confusion and uncertainty, like he's still processing it. and the guilt for not being sure.]
.... sorry.
I wish I could be better for you.
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[ he really wonders how this would have gone, if mineo wasn't here with him. all takeru knows it that it was have been a completely different experience, even if he isn't sure if it's a good thing or not.
takeru goes quiet, listening to mineo's breath, as he wonders what to do from here. after a moment, ]
Even if I'm making you work.
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What do you mean by that? I should've been working all along, right?
[isn't this just making up for all the bad karma he racked up before they got here?]
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[ his grip on mineo tightens for a moment. ]
Are you going to help me indulge?
[ he's trying to steer the conversation away from what they were talking about. it's both to save mineo from having to linger too longer on feelings that he isn't ready yet to analyze, but also to distance themselves from the topic of adonis that's never lingering too far away from them.
but, also, they do need to solve this other problem. ]
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he hears the question, and he knows that they're meant to stop arguing about the same thing - for now. they'll revisit it, because of course they will. they've been arguing in circles for weeks, and they might be arguing forever... if takeru doesn't figure out his wish here.
there really is just one solution right? make sure that he gets his wish.
he pauses for a second, before he presses their lips together again, as if the affection will reassure him too, and his nerves.]
.... there are some things left I haven't given you, right?
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so he just kisses him again before answering. ]
... you don't have to go that far.
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but.]
.... it makes me a little mad. [if he's being totally honest. but he'll pull away then, removing his eyepatch and taking out his ponytail. though he pauses to also start removing the necklace he always wears] There's a lot about this place that pisses me off, but it did give me meeting you.
[this version of takeru, who is probably just as much of a pain in the ass as any other version of takeru, but regardless is the one that mineo has gotten so fond of.]
.... but if I think about it less like this place making me give up something, and more like.... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give you everything I could.... it's way easier. [a beat] And - I've kind of wanted to.
[every time they hooked up, mineo has absolutely entertained anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute at a time if they might as well just go all the way. he really is hotblooded, at the end of the day.
even though it remains that he's also a romantic, and he is sincere. he can't casually date, and he can't casually hook up. he never really thought of it as waiting for the right person when, before this, no one even wanted him. but if takeru wants him, and if this is just one more way for mineo to show how serious he is about saving him....
he unfastens his necklace then, pushing it into takeru's palm even as he kisses him again. certain, determined, and so terribly and endlessly devoted.]
.... so if you wander off because you're doing something stupid, hold onto the parts of me that I'm giving, until we meet again. Because we will, no matter how this turns out. I'll never stop running after you.
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it was stubbornness and pride, more than anything, that urged him to indulge sexually.
but there's a certain level of care that he wants to give mineo. and admittedly, takeru really has no problems with getting what he wants. he will say what he wants to do, and see if he can get away with it and will pout a bit when he's denied (he will continue to try to get mineo to give him a bj in a public space). but, at least for this, he wanted to be considerate. ]
... then I'll make sure that you'll never even think this was a bad idea. [ he kisses mineo again. ] And make you wish you did this earlier with me.
[ it's mostly him just trying to kill any more nerves that mineo might still have. ]
You can catch me now.
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but - there is the bundle of nerves. of course there is. takeru doesn't need emotionshare for that, to know that mineo's heart is hammering against his chest. he can probably feel it, close as they are. but there is also trust, adoration, and full faith that he can believe in what takeru's saying. he doubts that he'll regret this either. it's easy to lean into the kiss, to let his fingers tangle lightly in takeru's hair to keep him close, and then fall back onto the bed to bring both of them down]
You kept me waiting too, Takeru.
[even though he'll always, always want to catch him.
i can't believe it took 7 weeks for them to fuck anyway hanky panky, enomoto mineo is no longer a virgin. fuck.]
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after, takeru is curled around mineo, legs tangled with his, as he idly brushes a finger through mineo's hair. he's not really saying anything for a while, but after a moment, ]
We'll still do whipped cream next time.
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mineo is perfectly content to be affectionate after, even if he's also - a little awed? it's fine. sometimes you realize that you had sex for the first time with your partner who you were barely even coworkers with 8 weeks ago. though at the teasing he's automatically flustered, because some stupid habits just won't die. he buries his face into takeru's hair]
Stop.
[that's it, that's all he can say. but he also automatically presses a kiss to his temple too. horrible. he's still so fond, it's the worst.]
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For someone who gets so shy when the topic comes up, you really get into it.
[ this is why vira kinkshames the next day ]
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I - that's not...! My fault...!
[it is. and he presses his mouth against takeru's as if it'd be enough to get him to shut up. though there is also a bundle of nerves again as he seems to worry - ]
... it was - okay? For you?
[did mineo probably go full head empty at some point and get really aggressive again? yes. but he really does have to check after, because even with emotionshare, he worries about being able to please takeru.]
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I'd let you fuck me again.
[ that is praise, considering takeru is the type who. prefers to top. he is too controlling. but he'll allow it. ]
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A-Ah..... G-Got it!
[WHAT, EXACTLY, DOES HE GET]
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Let's go take a shower.
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pausing]
"Let's"?
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