Are you really going to give me an out, after everything?
[ it's a genuine question.
because of course takeru doesn't want to. he wouldn't keep it so close to his chest if he ever wanted to. but it's so obvious that there's something wrong, and he can't be sure that something might not happen again. ]
[to both. but he'll shift in his seat and tilt his head as he looks directly at takeru]
But it's more your style to kick me until I explain something - but even then, you're letting it be fair even though there's something you want to know from me too. To be honest, if you really tried, I'd probably tell you and give up the advantage.
[he's not calculating enough to hold onto it even when he knows it exists - not when the person asking is someone he trusts.]
The least I can do is wait for you. I'm not gonna say I'm your partner just to be an asshole to you about something that's clearly important to you.
I lived in America for a while. I only came back to Japan very recently before X-Day started. But in America, I accidentally stumbled into a gang fight. Someone important to me was shot and killed.
[ it's said clinically, like he's reciting the plot of a novel. ]
No one else can really manage that right now, but I'll be careful.
[as far as he can tell, no one else has a gun.]
... and if I have to shoot?
[because he's not flinching away from the chance of it, even though he's refrained every single time takeru was in the room. mineo will (saeki voice) shoot to protect.]
[ he'll be honest about that. his expression breaks, and the absolute disgust at the thought is apparent on his face. ]
But I'm not going to ask you to stop using your main mode of protecting yourself. If something happens, I'll trust you to make the best possible decision in that moment.
... I'll worry about it - but I'll try to avoid it anyway.
[he'd rather punch someone if it means that takeru won't get triggered, but he also knows there's some situations where a gun would just be a (somehow) safer and immediate solution]
.... you want to know about why Adonis judged me, right?
[ . . . . he shifts then, letting his shoulders flatten out as he thinks about it.]
.... we all kept reminding Hoshino about the collar - but I think I somehow forget and let my mouth just blabber on. She found out about... a couple things. She talked to Satake-san, my old boss in Field Ops. He told her about how Fuji-senpai and I were close, and then about how....
When they released the April video, I recognized him. I said we had to get working ASAP, because I wouldn't mistake Fuji-senpai for anybody else. Higher ups said no, 'cause Adonis still wasn't attached as a name yet. So they worked me like a dog until the May video came out. And... you saw what happened after. [when mineo found the body]
... of everyone, I should be the most intense about X-Day cases, probably. It's - so personal for me, I should be making more progress.
[takeru would know - he's the one who scolded mineo every time he seemed like he was listlessly dragging his feet]
... but I told Hoshino to give it up. That Yanagi-senpai would switch her to a different case, because she wouldn't make any progress with me. Because I knew I was dead weight. And then I left the office.
[he turns his hand over if only to look at his Sloth tattoo. yeah. it's a sin that makes sense for him.]
takeru knew that something was wrong with the timeline between them, mostly since things didn't really add up since mineo first insisted to find out what takeru was doing before coming here. but this pretty much confirms it.
he's not sure what to think about that. he files it away to ponder later, when he has time to dedicate to it. ]
And they got you.
[ mineo was punished for something that he's currently representing. it's... probably a terrible reminder, to see that tattoo. ]
[to be told to indulge every single day, on the thing that caused him such harm, on something that caused him such aching pain because he couldn't move forward.
at the question, he pauses a little bit.]
.... less so here. I feel....
[ . . . . ]
Different.
I'm not the same as I was back in Field Ops, when I would charge into everything. I.... I mean, I had to be good at my job, so I was. But I didn't question anything back then.
[justice - what it meant to help people, what it meant to be good or righteous. he never spared a thought for it, because he thought that he was always doing good.]
.... but at least I feel like I'm moving again. And I don't feel as blind or naive as I was before.
[a beat]
I think they judged me for one other thing. I mean... based on what they said.
[ . . . . to psychologically corner someone you admired - ]
... it feels weird to say that I was good at my job, but - you know I went looking for evidence that Fuji-senpai was innocent. I... didn't end up finding any. Instead, when I talked to his family... they just said that he was desperate for promotion, and terrified of his juniors surpassing him.
[ . . . ]
When I got promoted to Field Ops, I thought Fuji-senpai was proud of me - he joked around with me and praised me that day too. But... there were rumors that he was jealous.
And then the false arrests started to stack up after that.
[he looks away, if only because he acknowledges how silly this might sound out loud - ]
.... it felt for a while like I was the reason he got judged. [ . . . ] Then when they caught me, they told me as much.
You do know that him being jealous isn't your fault, right?
[ he leans back against the couch, not quite looking at mineo as he talks. ]
Your success isn't a reflection of him. He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that someone else was better. Pinning the blame on you was just a lazy way of taking you out of the picture.
Just because Adonis says something is true doesn't mean that it is. Just because you admired him doesn't mean his feelings were right.
[ . . . . he runs a hand through his hair as he listens and - ]
.... yeah.
I think I get now at least, that I can't control how anybody else feels. And that I got judged for pretty shitty reasons - even if they were things that I shouldn't have done. [should've worked harder on the case, shouldn't have been an ass about it - but did he deserve to die for any of it?]
... but until I win here and figure out how to get my life back on track [and back in general], those are the reasons that won.
But I don't plan on letting that be the case for much longer.
it's probably a little stupid and a little sad, what a difference that makes to hear. maybe it's because he spent months and months knowing that takeru always disapproved of him. that even as they were close enough to be friendly, there was something inherent in mineo's work ethic that was flawed and got in the way.
mineo can't wait on anyone's approval to matter, not when he has so much to wrestle with himself.
but something in takeru's words make him smile - and surprise a laugh out of him, a genuinely pleased note.]
.... then I'll deliver the note when I punch their leader in the face.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Is that why Sheila-san couldn't remember her husband?
[damn.
well.]
... do you want to?
[explain, that is.
it's not thursday. so he's not antsy about them running out of time. he's not going to force takeru to tell him anything else he doesn't want to.]
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[ it's a genuine question.
because of course takeru doesn't want to. he wouldn't keep it so close to his chest if he ever wanted to. but it's so obvious that there's something wrong, and he can't be sure that something might not happen again. ]
You want me to tell you.
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[to both. but he'll shift in his seat and tilt his head as he looks directly at takeru]
But it's more your style to kick me until I explain something - but even then, you're letting it be fair even though there's something you want to know from me too. To be honest, if you really tried, I'd probably tell you and give up the advantage.
[he's not calculating enough to hold onto it even when he knows it exists - not when the person asking is someone he trusts.]
The least I can do is wait for you. I'm not gonna say I'm your partner just to be an asshole to you about something that's clearly important to you.
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I lived in America for a while. I only came back to Japan very recently before X-Day started. But in America, I accidentally stumbled into a gang fight. Someone important to me was shot and killed.
[ it's said clinically, like he's reciting the plot of a novel. ]
I have PTSD.
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I'm sorry that happened, Takeru. [genuinely, because that's difficult.]
.... what do you want me to do - if something comes up again?
[he tried to distract takeru in trial and he doesn't expect guns to come up much more when he's the only one who has one but... just in case.]
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[ it's more the context, than anything. seeing someone threatening to shoot people is different than just seeing a gun in a holster.
... but. ]
Just don't get shot.
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No one else can really manage that right now, but I'll be careful.
[as far as he can tell, no one else has a gun.]
... and if I have to shoot?
[because he's not flinching away from the chance of it, even though he's refrained every single time takeru was in the room. mineo will (saeki voice) shoot to protect.]
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[ he'll be honest about that. his expression breaks, and the absolute disgust at the thought is apparent on his face. ]
But I'm not going to ask you to stop using your main mode of protecting yourself. If something happens, I'll trust you to make the best possible decision in that moment.
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.... I won't unless I have to. But if it comes to saving a life or not, I'm going to act.
Do you want me to warn you beforehand if I can, if you're in the room?
[it wouldn't be more than just a few seconds heads up, but.]
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[ and he wouldn't want whoever it is to wise up to what's happening, depending on what the situation is like. ]
Don't worry about it.
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[he'd rather punch someone if it means that takeru won't get triggered, but he also knows there's some situations where a gun would just be a (somehow) safer and immediate solution]
... thank you, for telling me.
[he knows how hard it was to even get this far]
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[ again, he did not want to.
but it seems like it'll be easier to push past this if mineo isn't constantly wondering about it. ]
So we can move on now.
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[because he can give takeru space when the other is talking about something difficult or painful -
but mineo's not the same. he'd rather feel like he's talking to a friend, than giving a report]
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he doesn't move at first, but he'll eventually walk over and sit. ]
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[ . . . . he shifts then, letting his shoulders flatten out as he thinks about it.]
.... we all kept reminding Hoshino about the collar - but I think I somehow forget and let my mouth just blabber on. She found out about... a couple things. She talked to Satake-san, my old boss in Field Ops. He told her about how Fuji-senpai and I were close, and then about how....
When they released the April video, I recognized him. I said we had to get working ASAP, because I wouldn't mistake Fuji-senpai for anybody else. Higher ups said no, 'cause Adonis still wasn't attached as a name yet. So they worked me like a dog until the May video came out. And... you saw what happened after. [when mineo found the body]
... of everyone, I should be the most intense about X-Day cases, probably. It's - so personal for me, I should be making more progress.
[takeru would know - he's the one who scolded mineo every time he seemed like he was listlessly dragging his feet]
... but I told Hoshino to give it up. That Yanagi-senpai would switch her to a different case, because she wouldn't make any progress with me. Because I knew I was dead weight. And then I left the office.
[he turns his hand over if only to look at his Sloth tattoo. yeah. it's a sin that makes sense for him.]
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takeru knew that something was wrong with the timeline between them, mostly since things didn't really add up since mineo first insisted to find out what takeru was doing before coming here. but this pretty much confirms it.
he's not sure what to think about that. he files it away to ponder later, when he has time to dedicate to it. ]
And they got you.
[ mineo was punished for something that he's currently representing. it's... probably a terrible reminder, to see that tattoo. ]
Do you still consider yourself dead weight?
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at the question, he pauses a little bit.]
.... less so here. I feel....
[ . . . . ]
Different.
I'm not the same as I was back in Field Ops, when I would charge into everything. I.... I mean, I had to be good at my job, so I was. But I didn't question anything back then.
[justice - what it meant to help people, what it meant to be good or righteous. he never spared a thought for it, because he thought that he was always doing good.]
.... but at least I feel like I'm moving again. And I don't feel as blind or naive as I was before.
[a beat]
I think they judged me for one other thing. I mean... based on what they said.
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What was it?
[ it's probably better to have mineo talk through it, instead of takeru assuming things for an event he wasn't actually there for. ]
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... it feels weird to say that I was good at my job, but - you know I went looking for evidence that Fuji-senpai was innocent. I... didn't end up finding any. Instead, when I talked to his family... they just said that he was desperate for promotion, and terrified of his juniors surpassing him.
[ . . . ]
When I got promoted to Field Ops, I thought Fuji-senpai was proud of me - he joked around with me and praised me that day too. But... there were rumors that he was jealous.
And then the false arrests started to stack up after that.
[he looks away, if only because he acknowledges how silly this might sound out loud - ]
.... it felt for a while like I was the reason he got judged. [ . . . ] Then when they caught me, they told me as much.
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[ he leans back against the couch, not quite looking at mineo as he talks. ]
Your success isn't a reflection of him. He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that someone else was better. Pinning the blame on you was just a lazy way of taking you out of the picture.
Just because Adonis says something is true doesn't mean that it is. Just because you admired him doesn't mean his feelings were right.
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.... yeah.
I think I get now at least, that I can't control how anybody else feels. And that I got judged for pretty shitty reasons - even if they were things that I shouldn't have done. [should've worked harder on the case, shouldn't have been an ass about it - but did he deserve to die for any of it?]
... but until I win here and figure out how to get my life back on track [and back in general], those are the reasons that won.
But I don't plan on letting that be the case for much longer.
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As long as you keep proving to me that you'll be useful, you'll be fine. Getting my approval means they're wrong regardless.
[ ... ]
[1/2]
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it's probably a little stupid and a little sad, what a difference that makes to hear. maybe it's because he spent months and months knowing that takeru always disapproved of him. that even as they were close enough to be friendly, there was something inherent in mineo's work ethic that was flawed and got in the way.
mineo can't wait on anyone's approval to matter, not when he has so much to wrestle with himself.
but something in takeru's words make him smile - and surprise a laugh out of him, a genuinely pleased note.]
.... then I'll deliver the note when I punch their leader in the face.
[ . . . ]
Thanks, Takeru.
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[ he huffs, not really sure what to say after that.
... is it really okay? for him to say it? after all of the grief he gave him?
... ]
Let's just do work.
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