[ . . . . . . there's a little note of amusement before he just lets his face rest in the crook of takeru's neck.]
You still have to ask?
[given the effect this week but - admittedly mineo has been keeping it fairly tightly locked up. knowing that others have a read on his emotions contributes to his caution, his anxiety. he feels a lot and he feels a lot constantly, but at least nothing he feels really seems like a dead giveaway. there's no guilt for what he's done - only....
the complicated feeling comes back at the question, and it comes back worse. there's frustration, there's uncertainty, there's a feeling of being lost - like your whole identity is crumbling a little. there's a sense of idealism, of hope, but it wars with pragmatism and a wish to survive. it sits heavily in his chest, it weighs a thousand pounds, it feels like it'll drag him down if he doesn't constantly fight it.]
[ he finally wraps his arms around mineo, letting out a breath he wasn't really aware that he was holding.
the thing is, he wasn't really just worried about mineo's safety. he knows how complicated the idea of killing someone else is to him. it's something that takeru would have liked to avoid, if it was possible. ]
[and he seems rather certain of that, leaning into the hold now that it's being offered out to him, like an idiot. he seems rather sure of his words, even with that rather complicated feeling in his chest. it doesn't ease, and it doesn't go away.]
... there was no truly safe way to hold him. And we don't know what would've happened, if we tried to make him our backup vote if something else happened. He could've taken a hostage, he could've started a fight just because he would've enjoyed it. If this was back home... yeah, I'd say throw him in jail and let his fate be decided.
[ . . . ]
But this isn't home. There's too many things like magic and unknowns. So I made a choice, just so that no one else would have to. I'm not scared of taking responsibility for what I've done.
[a longer pause - and an awkward feeling]
.... but it feels weird. Like I'm letting go of something else. My old ideals on justice, maybe.
[ he can't really say he understands completely. his own sense of justice has been skewed for years now, to the point where he relates more to a terrorist organization than to the people around him.
but he knows that mineo's ideals was something so important to him to the point that he couldn't see that someone he idolized wasn't actually a good person. and... okay, maybe they were a little naive. but that doesn't necessarily mean they're bad. ]
[ . . . . he shakes his head - sort of. he doesn't actually lift his head from takeru's shoulder.]
... no. I used to think... it was all absolutes. Black and white. Crimes are crimes, killing's bad, and to be good, you have to do well. [ . . . ] But that's not true. I still have to hold onto some stuff... You can't kill just because you want to test your own strength against people, or something like that. [a flare of anger. honestly mineo really still hates childe even after shooting him.]
But... now I've killed someone who couldn't even fight back against me. [which, for the record, does add another layer of anguish for mineo] That's still bad - but my reasons are different. And if I didn't... and he still somehow found a way to hurt someone - Vira-san. Harrow-san. You. How would I be able to live with that?
There's probably no version of events in which somebody wouldn't have gotten hurt. ... so I chose the version where I could protect the people I wanted to protect.
[ see, the thing is... takeru isn't really sure if childe would have attacked anyone at all without prompt, because everyone would have automatically assumed it was him after. what would be the point, if you'd be blamed right away?
but there were so many other uncertainties in play. and people were understandably angry over what happened to lenore. ]
I don't think it's wrong to keep people safe. [ ... ] I'm selfish though, so maybe take my opinion on this with a grain of salt.
But I think it's impossible to have the same sense of justice forever. You grow every day, and change, and experience new things-- and those things will shape your feelings. I think that you're just still being shaped, even if it might take time to figure out.
[ . . . . maybe that's true. he listens thoughtfully at that and - there's some sense of understanding. the difficult feelings in his chest, they don't really go away or ease. but there is just the slightest sliver of forgiveness that weaves through it. more for himself for than anyone else.
'if takeru will forgive me, maybe I can forgive myself a little'
he pulls back finally, just enough that he can press another kiss to takeru's forehead - a little note of gratitude]
.... I just have to keep moving forward, right? Instead of thinking about who I used to be. [a beat] ... it'll take a while, but I won't let these feelings or this place win.
[he won't be stopped again, no matter how heavy it feels.]
[ it's probably a little hypocritical of him to say something like that, honestly. to say that people are forever changing and so are their feelings for things, when takeru is the opposite. forever stuck at the same point in time, with his focus never shifting forward.
but... mineo is different, and mineo is someone who can grow and find a better purpose. it's fine, if it's him. ]
I know you won't. You're... someone who's a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
it's probably embarrassing, for a feeling in the emotionshare to come through that can literally only be described as mineo's heart skipping a beat. between takeru's expression, and his encouragement, and his words of validation that have come after months of being constantly beaten up and trying to earn his respect -
he buries his face in takeru's hair and the frustration comes in next.]
Stop. Stop, stop, we can't even go home for another week, I can't like you more than I already do. It's just not fair.
[but he really is very touched - even if it comes with a ridiculous sense of disbelief.]
It just seems surreal every time you're that nice to me.... I thought maybe I was knocked unconscious and my brain was just trying to provide me a nice hallucination to comfort me....
[mineo will just huff at that and - honestly he's exhausted. if takeru is getting further onto the bed then mineo is also going to make himself right at fucking home and just plop next to him tiredly]
.... maybe I should take a nap.... I didn't get to sleep nearly as much.
[ . . . . . dumb. he leans into the touch automatically, and there's some hesitation again - but he'll just move to wrap an arm around takeru to pull him closer.]
.... Sloth-san told me that if I manage to make it through everything, I should go see them.
If this really counts for indulgence points... I'll see if I can transfer them to you, if I already have enough.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You still have to ask?
[given the effect this week but - admittedly mineo has been keeping it fairly tightly locked up. knowing that others have a read on his emotions contributes to his caution, his anxiety. he feels a lot and he feels a lot constantly, but at least nothing he feels really seems like a dead giveaway. there's no guilt for what he's done - only....
the complicated feeling comes back at the question, and it comes back worse. there's frustration, there's uncertainty, there's a feeling of being lost - like your whole identity is crumbling a little. there's a sense of idealism, of hope, but it wars with pragmatism and a wish to survive. it sits heavily in his chest, it weighs a thousand pounds, it feels like it'll drag him down if he doesn't constantly fight it.]
.... I'll be okay.
Just some old wounds opening up again.
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[ he finally wraps his arms around mineo, letting out a breath he wasn't really aware that he was holding.
the thing is, he wasn't really just worried about mineo's safety. he knows how complicated the idea of killing someone else is to him. it's something that takeru would have liked to avoid, if it was possible. ]
Will you actually be okay?
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[and he seems rather certain of that, leaning into the hold now that it's being offered out to him, like an idiot. he seems rather sure of his words, even with that rather complicated feeling in his chest. it doesn't ease, and it doesn't go away.]
... there was no truly safe way to hold him. And we don't know what would've happened, if we tried to make him our backup vote if something else happened. He could've taken a hostage, he could've started a fight just because he would've enjoyed it. If this was back home... yeah, I'd say throw him in jail and let his fate be decided.
[ . . . ]
But this isn't home. There's too many things like magic and unknowns. So I made a choice, just so that no one else would have to. I'm not scared of taking responsibility for what I've done.
[a longer pause - and an awkward feeling]
.... but it feels weird. Like I'm letting go of something else. My old ideals on justice, maybe.
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[ he can't really say he understands completely. his own sense of justice has been skewed for years now, to the point where he relates more to a terrorist organization than to the people around him.
but he knows that mineo's ideals was something so important to him to the point that he couldn't see that someone he idolized wasn't actually a good person. and... okay, maybe they were a little naive. but that doesn't necessarily mean they're bad. ]
Even with... everything else.
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... no. I used to think... it was all absolutes. Black and white. Crimes are crimes, killing's bad, and to be good, you have to do well. [ . . . ] But that's not true. I still have to hold onto some stuff... You can't kill just because you want to test your own strength against people, or something like that. [a flare of anger. honestly mineo really still hates childe even after shooting him.]
But... now I've killed someone who couldn't even fight back against me. [which, for the record, does add another layer of anguish for mineo] That's still bad - but my reasons are different. And if I didn't... and he still somehow found a way to hurt someone - Vira-san. Harrow-san. You. How would I be able to live with that?
There's probably no version of events in which somebody wouldn't have gotten hurt. ... so I chose the version where I could protect the people I wanted to protect.
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but there were so many other uncertainties in play. and people were understandably angry over what happened to lenore. ]
I don't think it's wrong to keep people safe. [ ... ] I'm selfish though, so maybe take my opinion on this with a grain of salt.
But I think it's impossible to have the same sense of justice forever. You grow every day, and change, and experience new things-- and those things will shape your feelings. I think that you're just still being shaped, even if it might take time to figure out.
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'if takeru will forgive me, maybe I can forgive myself a little'
he pulls back finally, just enough that he can press another kiss to takeru's forehead - a little note of gratitude]
.... I just have to keep moving forward, right? Instead of thinking about who I used to be. [a beat] ... it'll take a while, but I won't let these feelings or this place win.
[he won't be stopped again, no matter how heavy it feels.]
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but... mineo is different, and mineo is someone who can grow and find a better purpose. it's fine, if it's him. ]
I know you won't. You're... someone who's a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
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it's probably embarrassing, for a feeling in the emotionshare to come through that can literally only be described as mineo's heart skipping a beat. between takeru's expression, and his encouragement, and his words of validation that have come after months of being constantly beaten up and trying to earn his respect -
he buries his face in takeru's hair and the frustration comes in next.]
Stop. Stop, stop, we can't even go home for another week, I can't like you more than I already do. It's just not fair.
[but he really is very touched - even if it comes with a ridiculous sense of disbelief.]
Am I really not dreaming or anything....
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he's just going to try to pull away so that he can actually look at mineo's expression. ]
Want me to pinch you? That's one way to test out if it's a dream.
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Oh, yeah. Try it.
[holds his arm out like an idiot]
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he pinches him extra hard ]
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Owowowow okay, okay, not dreaming....!!
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It just seems surreal every time you're that nice to me.... I thought maybe I was knocked unconscious and my brain was just trying to provide me a nice hallucination to comfort me....
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[ he pinches him again, but less hard. ]
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[he's just going to flop on him - well, he won't put all of his weight on him, but enough that he clearly expects to be caught]
Takeruuuuu.
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[ he is going to try to wiggle away by crawling further onto the bed ]
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.... maybe I should take a nap.... I didn't get to sleep nearly as much.
[his sloth...]
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[ he reaches out to run his hand through mineo's bangs, and then he lets his hand drop. ]
You don't have anywhere to be.
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.... Sloth-san told me that if I manage to make it through everything, I should go see them.
If this really counts for indulgence points... I'll see if I can transfer them to you, if I already have enough.
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[ if it's even possible to do that. ]
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[just
immediately as he claims a kiss as if to get takeru to shut up that way]
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he kisses him back, which is more of a reflex than anything at this point. but once he pulls away enough to talk, ]
Your wish will cost a lot more than mine.
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[god he hates math
but also he figures that if takeru's not going anywhere either, mineo can just pull him even closer. (mineo voice) i love body pillows]
But I got my glass way early, and if killing generates a lot anyway... [he shrugs a bit before letting his face tuck against takeru's]
... we'll make it work. Everything's gonna work out.
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