[ he taps his chin, trying to figure out what to say.
so, he'll just settle on the truth. ]
My wish is revenge. I want to kill the man who killed my mother. It has motivated me every day, and I don't think I'll ever be happy until he's dead. Before I came here, I was actually offered a deal in order to kill him. It would just require joining a terrorist organization. And, right when I was going to accept, I got the invitation to come here instead.
[ sometimes, you run from one bad deal to another. ]
It's one of those things where... I know if I could really sit, and think it through, I would have said no. If I could have talked to anyone in that moment, it would have been enough. But that's never the case.
[She understands, a little. It surprises her somewhat, but it's compelling; it makes sense of what he said to her once before, that killing people here would go against the point of his wish.]
. . . My cavalier died in order to save my life. An awful death, beyond what I could undo on my own. I've wanted to make it right, to save her.
Most of the time, we didn't get along, but we knew one another so well that I can just. . . easily imagine what she'd say or do in any situation. I don't really feel that I was able to say no so much as I was able to imagine what her answer would have been, and vocalize it.
I don't know what I would have done, if I hadn't had at least that. If I'd only had to decide on my own.
Sometimes all you really need is another person's disappointment.
[ would he be admitting this if it wasn't harrow? probably not. but sometimes there is a small number of people who would have made you say no, and one of them is currently in front of you. ]
... if what we did really worked out, then she should be okay, at least.
[She understands; it's hard to ask, but not so hard to talk to him.]
I truly hope so. [And then his wish. . .she doesn't really see anything wrong with wanting to kill some guy who murdered his mom. But.] It's dreadful to have to admit to something so sentimental. I hope if it would make you happy, you will kill him. But if it costs you the other people in your life, I'm skeptical that it will.
... if the reprogramming worked, and we get the wishes, it should be fine.
[ there won't be a point in joining adonis if he gets what he wants from here. that said, there are some other complications to iron out, but he has decided to worry about that at another time. ]
[ admittedly he would choose something miserable in a heartbeat if the wishes happen to not work out but like, would the mods not give us golden end for lowe's birthday? time will tell. ]
It'd be nice for almost everyone to get what they want.
. . . We really haven't done anything to deal with the fact that if it gets its wish to be 'unburdened from its programming' it will immediately kill all of us.
Perhaps. Or perhaps the power nerfing will wear off first, in which case some of us can handle it. I wouldn't mind some people here realizing I'm not entirely useless in a fight.
[Whatever. It will be fine.]
. . . There are a few people here whose wishes I'm worried about having granted. That thing. Mahito. Honestly, Misa. But I think I've reached my capacity on caring about strangers.
[Hmm. She pauses, because she really doesn't want to harp on him when he knows, but. He didn't exactly only abandon a bunch of strangers?]
. . . I've only ever really had one friend before coming here, and she thought I hated her for years. [Which is maybe relevant to some of his relationships, too???] So I don't feel I have any particular insight into how not to fuck up with my relationships. But I do feel that certain people here have expended a lot of energy to force me to stop making choices that make me miserable, and I thought I would have hated that but I really don't.
So perhaps I should have asked you more about why you were here. I don't care that you agreed for my sake, but I care for yours. Don't be alone.
I think everyone was just being polite. I went out of my way so that people wouldn't ask me anything about myself. It's how I operated back home too, so it worked out here. I really wasn't lying when I kept telling everyone at the start that Mineo and I weren't close.
[ takeru didn't consider mineo a friend until like, w2? maybe w3?? funny. ]
So I can't really blame people for respecting my wishes.
That's how I've always tried to be, too. And I thought it was best that way. But plenty of others haven't allowed me to keep things to myself, so I ought to have realized.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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. . . No, I suppose not. It did the same for us, of course. [. . .] Don't fucking eat a child is a fairly straightforward call. This was not.
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[ he taps his chin, trying to figure out what to say.
so, he'll just settle on the truth. ]
My wish is revenge. I want to kill the man who killed my mother. It has motivated me every day, and I don't think I'll ever be happy until he's dead. Before I came here, I was actually offered a deal in order to kill him. It would just require joining a terrorist organization. And, right when I was going to accept, I got the invitation to come here instead.
[ sometimes, you run from one bad deal to another. ]
It's one of those things where... I know if I could really sit, and think it through, I would have said no. If I could have talked to anyone in that moment, it would have been enough. But that's never the case.
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[She understands, a little. It surprises her somewhat, but it's compelling; it makes sense of what he said to her once before, that killing people here would go against the point of his wish.]
. . . My cavalier died in order to save my life. An awful death, beyond what I could undo on my own. I've wanted to make it right, to save her.
Most of the time, we didn't get along, but we knew one another so well that I can just. . . easily imagine what she'd say or do in any situation. I don't really feel that I was able to say no so much as I was able to imagine what her answer would have been, and vocalize it.
I don't know what I would have done, if I hadn't had at least that. If I'd only had to decide on my own.
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[ would he be admitting this if it wasn't harrow? probably not. but sometimes there is a small number of people who would have made you say no, and one of them is currently in front of you. ]
... if what we did really worked out, then she should be okay, at least.
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[She understands; it's hard to ask, but not so hard to talk to him.]
I truly hope so. [And then his wish. . .she doesn't really see anything wrong with wanting to kill some guy who murdered his mom. But.] It's dreadful to have to admit to something so sentimental. I hope if it would make you happy, you will kill him. But if it costs you the other people in your life, I'm skeptical that it will.
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[ there won't be a point in joining adonis if he gets what he wants from here. that said, there are some other complications to iron out, but he has decided to worry about that at another time. ]
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[What she means is reevaluate your priorities, but he's already hurting a lot and admitted he wishes he'd chosen differently, so.]
We didn't go through all of this bullshit to return to something miserable.
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[ admittedly he would choose something miserable in a heartbeat if the wishes happen to not work out but like, would the mods not give us golden end for lowe's birthday? time will tell. ]
It'd be nice for almost everyone to get what they want.
[ not the robot. ]
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. . . We really haven't done anything to deal with the fact that if it gets its wish to be 'unburdened from its programming' it will immediately kill all of us.
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[ it's the only way he can see it ending not violently. ]
Although that doesn't help the people wherever he's going.
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[Whatever. It will be fine.]
. . . There are a few people here whose wishes I'm worried about having granted. That thing. Mahito. Honestly, Misa. But I think I've reached my capacity on caring about strangers.
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[ that
that was one of his problems, honestly, it's fine. ]
But there really isn't much we can do for them at this point. We're not responsible for their actions.
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[Hmm. She pauses, because she really doesn't want to harp on him when he knows, but. He didn't exactly only abandon a bunch of strangers?]
. . . I've only ever really had one friend before coming here, and she thought I hated her for years. [Which is maybe relevant to some of his relationships, too???] So I don't feel I have any particular insight into how not to fuck up with my relationships. But I do feel that certain people here have expended a lot of energy to force me to stop making choices that make me miserable, and I thought I would have hated that but I really don't.
So perhaps I should have asked you more about why you were here. I don't care that you agreed for my sake, but I care for yours. Don't be alone.
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I think everyone was just being polite. I went out of my way so that people wouldn't ask me anything about myself. It's how I operated back home too, so it worked out here. I really wasn't lying when I kept telling everyone at the start that Mineo and I weren't close.
[ takeru didn't consider mineo a friend until like, w2? maybe w3?? funny. ]
So I can't really blame people for respecting my wishes.
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It's fine. Mineo was annoying.
[ it just wasn't slightly enough but. it's something. ]